Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Cause I'm a dumbass.

 I don't really know where to start this. To be honest I didn't even think I wanted to talk about it. This post is about heartbreak. And let me tell you it sucks major ass. Last August I met someone. He became one of my best friends. Around December I realized that I was in love with him. Which was totally stupid on my part. I knew from the very beginning he was unattainable. And that was okay. That wasn't at all what I was looking for. When I realized I'd fallen for him I knew I was in trouble. In some ways I thought he felt the same way. In other ways I wasn't sure. He told me when I reminded him a lot of his ex wife. I didn't know that was a good thing or a bad thing. In December I had asked if he would put my lucky little truck gnome in his truck. That was the last time I heard from him. I still miss him every day. He did the one thing I asked him not to do. I asked if he was mad at me or if he needed space to just let me know. I don't know what happened. Its stupid of me to a fallen for someone that I never done anything with except hug. I know there's a master plan here somewhere. But its months later and I still haven't figured it out. I sent him an email. I've texted him a few times. I think I even called once. I've come to the conclusion he either cared too much or not at all EITHER way he's gone and there's nothing I can do about it. I've deleted his contacts..I don't wanna be that girl. On January 1st one of my best friends died of the flu. It was devastating. I took my sd card to get read so I could get some pictures off of it and I found pictures of him. Seeing that made me feel like I've been punched in the gut. I miss him every single day. Given the chance to screw things up and I'm all over it. Blah.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

" So I bare my skin, and I count my sins, and I close my eyes and I take it in..."

I think it's sweet that I get emails asking for updates. Really, I'm not that interesting. I AM funny shit though, so I get the entertainment value. Where to start...? Hmmm, that's a tough one. So, this will probably be a long, rambling post. You might want to grab a snack. I'll wait...
You good? 
Ok, let's go.

I met a man named Jerry, from Des Monies. He owned a car dealership, and was in town for an auto action.
First date: Amazeballs. Driving around in his Truck, singing Florida Georgia Line, and Hinder at the top of our lungs. We had some drinks, he introduced me to some of his sales people, and we just hung out. I went home at the end of the night, and looked forward to seeing him the next week when he came back to town. 
Second Date: Not so Amazeballs. Let's be clear. Money does not impress me. It doesn't want to make me drop my panties and fuck you. After buying the bar a few rounds, and continually flashing this wad of cash around, I thought, " This Dude is turning into a tool.". He got proceeded to get drunk, and tell me I WAS  "giving into" him that night. HAHAHAHAHA! No..No..That's not how this works, Sweetheart. I don't care how much money you have, or how big your truck is. So, needless to say, I went home, and he called me a bitch because I didn't know how good I coulda had it. Playa, please. If I want it I can get it for myself. 
And that was the end of Jerry from Des Monies.

I dated someone else for 6 months. Things fizzled at about 4. I beat a dead horse for another 2. He loved me, I know he did, but I was too " Perfect" and I scared him. He never quite got the kids, well, at least the girls. And that just wasn't going to work.

Then I had a Manfriend ( because at 35 I'm far too old for a"boyfriend")
That was nice. 
Then it wasn't.
End of story.
If I catch you lying to me about little shit, then I obviously can't trust you with the big shit. Online affairs..Porn ( while I'm surely not getting laid), and being ignored.
Hmmmm. I've played that game before. No thank you.
I'm not in a rush. I'm a HUGE believer in Fate. If it's meant to be it'll be.

Now, I've been pretty lucky. The men I HAVE dated for any amount of time have all been pretty great. Sure, for one reason or another it wasn't going to work ( I'm a picky bitch), but they've all treated me well. You learn to appreciate that. And I know I'm a stellar girlfriend. Sometimes you just know in the long run it isn't gonna pan out, so why waste each other's time. Am I "Leary" of men? Someone just asked me that, and I said no. But, shit, maybe I am. I think I'm more scared of losing anyone else. My circle is soooo small these days. About 6 weeks ago my bestie and I "broke up". Long story...2 Irish Tempers...Things where said. It's sad. It's still sad 6 weeks later. I love her like she's one of my kids. She's been my best friend since 2000. She'd seen me through a failed engagement, a wedding, the loss of a child, the birth of 3 children, and a divorce. That's a lot of shit, yo. I miss her everyday. And that's all I have to say about that.
Part of me thinks I'm scared to let anyone in because I can't take losing anybody else. I'm also at that point where I don't want to chase people to be in my life. Does that make sense?

My circle anymore is my family. Those fuckers can't lose me no matter what. I'm lucky that we're so close. And what friends I do hang out with I've had for at least 10 years. They KNOW my crazy ass, and understand me.
The other night I was hanging out with some friends and Demons by Imagine Dragons came on. I mentioned that I thought it should be my theme song.
 J said, " No, Bleeding Out is totally you. You'd slit your own wrist if you thought it would help someone...."
Me " That's a shitty example. I gave blood today".....
Long story short, my friends proceeded to have a " Walk with Jesus" talk with me. I'm my own worse critic. This I already knew. I was told I have the kindest heart possible, and everyone loves me. " To know you is to love you. How could anyone not? You're always worried that we haven't eaten, or aren't wearing our seat belts" HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's true! I do text them daily to see if they've eaten.  They're the sweetest assholes ever.

As far as posting about the kids, and their Father..
Not today.

I feel like this was long, but didn't say much.
I had a little to drink last night, so I may not be on my A game lol.
I spent 20 minutes looking for Sunglasses in my purse this morning. Never found them. But, Hey! If anyone needs a lighter, tampon, or lip gloss I could totally hook you up.

I'll post about the kiddos this weekend. In the meantime, you can always find me on Facebook under

Happy Turkey Day, Ya'll!

I suppose I should start every post with an apology. Yes, I've gotten your emails. Yes, I'm a shady bitch....Well,, not really. Just busy, friends. 3 kids, 2 jobs. Some days I'm just spent. BUT I made it a point to say hello this morning :) Happy Turkey Day. I'm working for a few hours this morning, picking up the kiddos, and then spending the day with our super amazing family. Then they have to go back to their Dad's, and I have to make some evening visits to tuck people in. I get to see everyone I love today..Family and my work family. It's a win win.
Now, before you start shooting me emails, thinking I'm avoiding your questions, I'm not. Still trying to think about how I'm exactly going to word that entry. I will post tonight. Promise. But this morning I wanted to say I'm thankful. I have so many blessings that sometimes I forget to just shut the fuck up, and appreciate what I have. First and foremost, my family. Where would I be without them? My parents, brothers, sisters in law ( except the one that just hit my baby brother with her car while trying to steal their kids...yeah, that story is for later) my nieces, and nephews, and, of course, my babies, and my Grandpa. I'm so lucky. I have 2 jobs that I don't hate, and most days, doesn't even necessarily fell like work. I have a place to live, food to eat, and a car to drive. Am I ballin'? Nope. But my shit is handled, and that's a lot.
So, I'm gonna go jump in the shower, and go makes some visits ( I do home health), pick up the babies, and go to my parent's house and watch some John Wayne with my Grandpa. I hope all you nice people that live in the computer have an AMAZING day.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Happy Hump Day

My apt. flooded for the 3rd time Sunday night. They fixed it, but had to clean the carpets, so we didn't stay at home last night. This morning all my children where running around saying " Do you know what day it is? It's HUMMMMMP day" Apparently it's a commercial. And apparently I'm old lol.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sometimes, well, lately, all the time, I feel like my life is nothing but utter chaos. It seems like I'm in a constant state of putting out fires. And, yo..My ass is tired. I can never catch a break. I feel like I'm drownding all the time. And I feel lost. There is no one I know that can relate to what I'm going through. My bestie has never been married, and doesn't have kids, and I'm tired of burdening her with it. She has her own shit going on. And God bless my manfriend, cause eventhough he's been married, he still has no idea. His ex is not in the picture, and the only involvment she has is a weekly phone call at best. She's been gone for 6 years, and their marriage wasn't a happy one. Ever. His kids are used to her not being there. No one gets it. 2 weeks ago, the X's gf and I had a civil convo on the phone that morning, so when they dropped the kids off a few hours later she handed me a parenting book. Now, I know it came with the best of intentions, but yeah, it irritated me. I know she loves my kids, I never questioned that. However, I don't think she'll ever get where I'm coming from. It honestly has nothing to do with the fact that she's 27. It has to do with the fact that she will NEVER understand what it's like send your 3 kids away 50% of the time, know that they have a seprate life from you that you know nothing about. OR know what it's like to watch someone who was the center of your universe for years raising someone else's son 100% of the time, while you're own children get him part time. It's fucking rough. There's a lot of history that she will never understand, because she's never experienced it. My daughter had a major meltdown tonight. Probably the worst I've ever seen. Kitchen chairs where knocked over, tables where pushed, and there was lots and lots of screaming at me. I hate her and I'm out to ruin her life. And she's 10. At dinner she told me she hated living with the gf's son, and wished they would move out (BTW, I called total bullshit on that).Then within 20 minutes she wanted to live with her Dad full time. I can't win for losing. I talked to her Dad about it, and he's supposed to bring it during her counseling session Thursday. Things didn't get much better after that. She packed her bags, and sat in her room for about 30 minutes, then came out and asked if she could call her Father. And I never say no when they ask, so she did. He was at a concert, and she didn't talk to him, but she talked to the gf, and then cried for 45 minutes. I talked to her as well. We where discussing parenting, and she mentioned that my X has said that if her son's Father ever wanted to be involved in his life that he would have to meet him 1st. Awesome. Maybe I'm just pissed because I really really needed some backup tonight. As I write this I'm in my living room, where I plan on sleeping tonight because my daughter finally fell asleep on the floor, and I don't want her to wake up and sneak out like she's said she's going to. It's one thing when an adult breaks your heart, but it's a total other when it's your kid. What a fucking mess. I'm tired of being the target. She told me last night that she's nice to everyone, but me. I wouldn't doubt that at all. I'm so stressed out that I can't eat without throwing up. My stomach is all sorts of screwed up. I really only sleep well when I'm with my manfriend. He says I talk in my sleep now. And what sleep I do get is filled with nightmares. And now my hair is falling out in clumps - WTF is that about?! Oh, and the crying...there's always crying. It's ridiculous. If I could take this hit for the team I would. If I could make everyone else happy, I'd be ok with being the sad one. I want my babies happy more than anything in this world. I want their Father happy. I don't know about him, but my babies are not. And I'm lost as to what to do. It's a horrible horrble feeling.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Great Divide

Nothing about divorce is fun. Like, at all. One of the worst aspects has been the picking of the sides. When it came down to friends whoever stayed stayed. I never wanted anyone to pick sides. When it came down to family....ugh...where do you start? I always felt close to the X's Mom. She's a wonderful lady. At times I felt she was more understanding than my own parents. The last REAL convo I had with her was in December of 2011, when shit hit the fan. She told me I would always be her daughter, and she would always love me. I never reached out to her after that because I didn't think it was appropriate. She's his Mom, and of course, and I didn't feel right putting her in the middle.

Monday was her birthday, and I texted her in the morning, telling her I loved her and that I would have the kids call her after dinner. She didn't respond, but I didn't expect her to. My son fell asleep around 6, but the girls called and left a vm. After an hour I tried again, and then tried her home phone, and they where able to talk to her. My 8 yr old handed me the phone when she was done, and I talked to her for about 2 minutes. I felt the conversation was kinda frosty. And that my friends, sucks ass. NEVER ONCE have I talked poorly about her son to her, and I wouldn't. He may be grown, but that's still her kid.

And really, that's neither here nor there. It doesn't matter now. All I'm saying is that there are 2 sides, and you're never gonna know the whole truth, bc he and I both have our own versions. I just miss her. She was my mom for 11 years, too.

It's sad to see pictures of my niece and nephews online. Kids you've watch grow since they where in diapers and they're now in high school. Or the 2 youngest who have known me as their Aunt all along. Where is the line drawn? Am I just supposed to act like they're random kids now? I don't know. Or my nieces and nephews who sometimes ask about their Uncle...He's been around their whole lives. I wish I had the answers. Before mine, I knew nothing of divorce, really. My younger brother divorced his wife, but we're still close. You don't give me a sister and then take her away 10 years later. She will always be my sister, as well as the X's sister, and now my brother's future wife. I just love them all. Once you're in my circle it's hard to get out. I wish there was a rule book for this shit.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

 I'm just a woman who's life took a turn that she didn't see coming. It happens to everyone, right? 3 years ago I would have never imagined that I would be where I am now. But now it seems like things are getting better, more clear. As a little girl all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mother. It almost seems like since I failed at the first of those, I've become an even better mother. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm overcompensating. Kinda like, " Well you fucked up the first one, you better be awesome at the second one." So, I do my best. My kids are my absolute world. EVERYTHING I do, I do for them. They are the very reason I breathe. Every single day I tell them I love them more than anything. And I'm so blessed. They amaze me every single day. At times I almost don't feel worthy.
 My oldest started the 5th grade today, and my baby girl started 2nd grade. They looked so grown up this morning, and sooooo excited. It made my heart happy. I knew that I did the right thing by not moving so they could stay in the same school. I felt they needed some sort of normality though all the other changes. Kids are resilient, but they are breakable.
My oldest daughter is now seeing a councilor. Last night her and I had a session, and it was pretty awesome. I'm sorry I didn't have her do this sooner. The councilor and I met alone for about 20 minutes, and I was shocked that she seemed to have situation figured out without me saying anything.  Next week her session is with her father, and I hope he finds it as insightful as I did. I just want those kids happy. I pray for that every single day. Just as I pray that their father finds the happiness that he never found with me. Happy parents = happy munchkins.

Not a poster child.

First of all, thank you for all the kind emails. I read them all, and honestly, I was touched. So, at the advice of all the super awesome people that live in my computer, as well as my BFF, I've decided to keep writing. This is life after divorce. Maybe people will relate. This however, will not be a place where I bash the ex, his girlfriend, OR, as it was suggested, publish a open letter to the "Home wrecker". What would be the point? Throughout this whole process I have done my very best to take the high road, keep things as civil as possible. I AM NOT a poster child for divorce. Hell, I don't even believe in it. But it is what it is. I've become a member of a club that I never wanted to be in, but I'm here now. And it's not always so horrible. So, these are my new adventures. I hope you enjoy :)

Friday, June 07, 2013

Tying up lose ends

When you lose the most important person in your life it's hard to put into words what you're feeling and where to even start. I clearly remember starting this blog when I was pregnant with Faith in 2005. I was 26, married to my best friend, and excited about how life was going. But things never stay the same. I'm almost 35 now, a single Mom to 3 pretty wonderful munchkins. I would have never envisioned this for myself or the kids. To say that the last 4 years where hard would be a gross understatement. It always seemed to be one hit after another and then another. I used to wonder if we had done a better job at damage control when things seriously took a turn for the worse where we would be now. Instead we did what we always did and hashed it out, and then pretended everything was fine. Kinda sweep it under the rug and keep trucking along. Eventually, that rug ran out of room. I won't really go into the details of how it all came to an end. In the long run there's a million different. factors. And it turns out that some of those things you cant recover from. Things became overwhelmingly strange around Christmas 2011. I knew something wrong, but Randy insisted.things where fine. I knew they weren't. I found him crying in the bedroom and before he said the words I knew why. He didn't want to do this anymore. He had felt like that since October.
 In the weeks to come I found out about her. I found an email from Christmas Eve talking about how she didn't expect him to wake up and say "Merry Christmas, I want a divorce " but he should probably handle it soon. Do I solely blame this 26 year old little girl for ruining my marriage? No. Did that little bitch help it along? You bet. He was mesmerized by her. In the long run she was just the straw that broke the camels back. Once I knew about her he didn't try to hide it. He would sit in our bed and have a conversation via text every night when he got home and before I left for work, eventhough he's had just seen her at work. He moved in with her at one point, only to move back 4 days later because they got in a fight about laundry. We lived together until May, and then I knew I just couldn't take anymore. I had to get out. I had started writting in a joural to him everyday. Sometimes 2-3 times a day. I poured my soul into those pages. He would read it every few days, and I prayed so hard that somewhere down the road it would make a difference. One day we where cleaning the bedroom and he picked it up and asked if I wanted it. I
told him it was his and to do what he wanted with it. He threw it away in front of me.
He and the 26 year old broke up. She broke his heart. And I honestly felt bad for him. We would sit in our bed listening to Pandora, and both cry. It was amazing to see this man that I had shared so much of my life with overcome by emotion. Emotion I had never seen before.
I moved, but we seemed to get along overall. I even played Volleyball for his team because the 26 year old and her friend dropped out. Then one Sunday afternoon he called to tell me his friend had invited a girl they had met at the bar to come to the game that night. I was uninvited. For awhile they where "just friends". He told me she was annoying and constantly texting him and there where days he avoided her. Again, it was another 26 year old. It's a year later and now they live together. He's taken over the Father role for her son. No matter how hard I try I could never explain fully what it's like to see the shell of this man that was once your entire world turn into a stranger, and go on to create a family you have no part of. They're currently vacationing in Texas with his family.
The divorce has been final since October 9th. Things get easier everyday. Firsts are always hard. Like Christmas. It had been almost a year since he had told me he wanted the divorce, and we had both moved on. But as I sat here alone in my apartment that night I sobbed. My heart was still broken. My family was distroyed. My children where celebrating with him and the new girlfriend. And there I was. Alone. Just me and a bottle of Vodka. I cried myself to sleep.
Mothers Day was another hard one We still lived together last year, and it was a nice day. This year the kids got me a card and he scribbed in it " Thanks for giving me 3 amazing kids." I don't know exactly what I was looking for. Maybe a little recognition to the fact I've busted my ass this last year and did it all on my own. There's no one helping me pay the bills, do the dishes and laundry. He's had someone there all along. But anymore, I know better than to expect anything from him. All I can do is focus on the kids. They left for Texas this week, which was another 1st. He took the gf and her son. I love his family. Honestly. And to think I'm no longer a part of that is devestating. Families are like instant coffee. Switch out the Mom, add another kid and there ya go. However, I think that most of the firsts are over. They're few and far between. Eventually, they'll get engaged. Maybe she'll get pregnant. I don't know. And I'll cope with it. I don't even know this monster. This pod person that took over my husband's body and has done every single thing that he always swore he'd never do. Or he finally just went crazy. I'm sure I pushed him into it. Let's be clear here. I'm 50% to blame for my marriage failing .I worked overnights the majority of my marriage. I didn't want the kids in daycare. It was hard on us, and I knew it.. I thought I'd only need to do it until Toby started school.
Now, it's just very civil. I didn't ask for anything in our divorce. I took the entertainment center and a bed.

 I mean, how horrible of a person do you have to be for the person you loved more than anything in this world ( besides your children) want NOTHING to do with you? I'll live with that guilt every day for the rest of my life. There's this person out there that was my best friend since I was 21. He's the father of my children. He knew me better than anyone (or so I thought). And now we're nothing but strangers that exchange a few words here and there. I've lost a child. I've lost every single thing that I owned in a fire. But somedays I still can't wrap my head around losing him.
He makes it easy sometimes. Every now and then I'll find out something that he's done and it's so fucking shady, it makes me wonder if I ever knew him at all. Friends picked sides, which is something I never asked anyone to do. They know one side of the story and it's tainted. But it is what it is. I can just do the best that I can for the kids. And honestly, my heart breaks every single day because I have no idea what it's like for them. My girls have a hard time still. It seems to get better as we go along. I held Grace and cried wth her when she told me the gf was moving in. It finally sank in that Mom and Dad where not getting back together. It hurts when she tells me she can't talk to her Dad about it. And to be fair, I know he sat them down and talked to them about it before it happened. And I'm not going to be the ex wife that bashes her ex husband in front of her kids. He's still their father. All that I'll say is that we want Daddy to be happy, and gf makes him happy. I honestly have no problem with her. She crossed a few boundaries in the beginning, but now things are fine. None of this had anything to do with her. She knows nothing of what happened except what he's told her. She'll never know the struggles we went through for all those years or that things wheren't always bad.
Honestly, I would have never been the one to pull the trigger. Hell, until a week before he told me he wanted a divorce I had no idea anything was wrong. You get busy living everyday life, and tend to not pay attention to what is going on around you. Add on that I worked overnights, never slept, and was lost in a depression that had lingered for years because we had never properly handled situations that arose earlier. I was lost, but it had happened before, so I just wrote it off. We'd get through it. We always did. Well, not this time.
I got an email yesterday from someone who used to read this and was curious as to what was going on these days...could they get an update. I didn't know where to start. I pulled up some entries from 2005 when Faith was born. I wish I could vacation there. Back when we where young and so in love. Still in the process of growing up together and building our family. It was us against the world.
Now, I think about him sitting on his Mom's back porch in her rocking chairs after the kids go to bed,watching the cows and deer, and having those meaningful conversations that we always did there. Her back porch was my heaven on earth when we sat there together. Now it's gone. It's his to share with someone else. There really aren't any words for that. That was a lifetime ago.
I try to remember the good times. A few months before everything blew up he had surprised me with tickets to see my favorite play. He had arranged for my best friend to babysit, and gave me a card the night before explaining what he did. It sounds little, but it truely was the most romantic thing he had ever done. I'll always remember that.
And Life goes on.
I've moved on. I'm dating someone that I've know since the 3rd grade. Describe how amazing he is. Everyday he tells me how much he loves me, and how lucky he is to have me. We have manditory cuddle time every night we're together after our days " debreifing". I refuse to work overnights anymore. I won't give up one night sleeping next to him if it can be avoided. He's good to the kids, and they love him, just as I love his kids. We're like the Brady Bunch 2.0 with my 3 and his 3. More importantly, he makes me happy. It a happiness that was compleatly unexpected. That, my friends, is the best kind. For the first time since my world fell apart I look forward to whats to come. In that respect I'm in a super yummy place. And I'm beyond thanful. I refuse to take this relationship for granted and I make sure I tell him all the time what he means to me. He knows everything. There's no secrets or lies. I made it a point that he knows my passwords to everything. Just this morning I woke up at 2:30am and went to get a drink in the kitchen and saw his phone sitting there. I paused for a moment and thought about going through it. But I didn't. There's no reason. I shut off the light and crawled back into bed.  He wrapped his arms around me. I laid there and listened to his heartbeat and said a little prayer of thankfulness. It's good shit :) For the first time in years I have passion in my life. I won't squander it.
And that's my story. It's my side of things. I have a feeling I'll always be taken back by the little things. When my son tells me that all he wants for his birthday is for me to move into Daddy's I still get a lump in my throat because he'll never know how things once where. Having 2 addresses will become the norm for him since he's only 4. He'll forget in time that we ever even lived together. It's harder for the girls, who remember having a 2 parent home until they where 8 and 6. Kids always want their parents together and I get that. . Maybe someday they'll read this and see it wasn't all shit. Things where good between us once.
I catch myself wondering sometimes what he's thinking. IF he ever thinks of me. If he remembers the good times. But that's just a mind fuck and I try not to go there. It's not a happy place, and nothing good will ever come out of it. It's about bucking the fuck up now and faking it until you make it. Eventually you find you aren't faking it quite as much. I'm at peace with knowing I've apoligized for all my wrong doings and I fought as hard as I could to save my marriage. But in the end it wasn't enough.
I'll never hate Randy. I couldn't. He's the father of my babies. I got the best parts of him. I want him happy. Even if it turns out that's a happiness he could never achieve with me. I wish our commuincation was better, but it is what it is. There will always be a sence of sadness when I think about my 1st marriage. The embarrasment of it all gong to shit. The heartbreak. However, it will serve as a constant reminder of what not to do. The lessons just keep rolling in and you have no choice but to go along with them. I would be lying if I said part of me won't always be in love with him. But it will always be the old him that I miss. I don't know him now. I miss my Randy. The best friend that I had in him. I feel like part of my soul is missing. Most days it's easy and it just gets easier as the time goes on. Then there are those days when something little will just send me spinning and I feel like it's December 28, 2011 all over again. Those days are horrible. Thankfully, they are few and far between now.
I've made it this far. My friends and family are amazing, and without their support I wouldn't be here today.
So, that's it. That's the update. In closing I just want to say everyones marriage is their own. No one really knows what goes on in someone elses marriage EXCEPT those 2 people. Respect that. You'll never know the whole story. Fight for what you believe in, for the people you love. You never know when it will come to an end. Tell the people you love what they mean EVERYDAY. Don't take little things for granted. Appricate what you have because it can all go away. Find joy in lifes everyday things. I do that now. A little too late in some regards? Yes. But it's not a mistake you're likely to make again when you're entire world gets distroyed. That was a differnet life and time. I was a different person then.
I'm on to my next book.
This one is closed.
All my love,