Tuesday, August 16, 2005

An incredibly funny post where I talk about gay porn.-DON'T read this if you're easily offended.

Before I tell you this story there are some things you need to know.

. I have a distant family member who got married and had a baby, but he was gay and never told anyone. Gave his wife AIDS.

Randy and I used to watch Queer as Foke every Sunday....Religiously.

Randy's 2 best friends, Justin and Brian, used to tell him he was "a gay man's wet dream"

I do support gay marriage.

Ok, got it? Ready?

I took those pic's of the girls and their room yesterday. Our internet was screwing up all day and I couldn't get on to blogger. So I figured I'd just put them on picasa and try to post them that way. All pic's put on the computer go into Randy's folders. So when it asked me if I wanted all files to show I said yes. So the pic's opened up and so did a bunch of music........ And porn. GAY PORN......From Randy's Files. I freaked out ( See FYI #1) I started thinking " Dear Lord I turned another one." I thought back to 2 weeks ago when we had a BBQ. It happened to be on the same night as the Queer as Foke series finale. We invited people that we knew wouldn't want to watch it. Then Randy said " I don't care what they say. They're gonna suck it up and watch it because it's the last episode and I AM NOT GOING TO MISS IT."

It was all coming back to me.
My husband was gay. Now, I support gay marriage, but I didn't say I wanted to be in one.

I started hyperventilating and crying.

I call Randy's cell - no answer

I call his work phone - no answer.

Finally he called back and I'm still crying
" You need to get home now!"

He was already on his way.

I didn't want to tell him what I found b/c I didn't want him to have a chance to make up a story.

Have I mentioned I was hypervintalating?
I kept thinking " So this is what he does at night when I'm at work......"

Randy walks in. I tell him to go kiss his girls 1st. He comes over to me and I'm still crying.
And hyperventilating.

Remember that distant relative I told you about? I thought that was the shit that was about to go down with us. He's gay and tried to put on a show and I just busted him out.

"Tell me what the FUCK this is!!!"

Yeah, I'm an idiot.

Randy said
"Honey, remember after Grace was born and Matt( a guy in a computer class that he taking at the time who BTW I almost went to Prom with my Sr. yr AND has a girlfriend) and I switched hardrives to copy eachothers music? This must have come with it. He said there was porn in there somewhere. I didn't know it was gay porn. I haven't looked at it"

I checked the dates.

It came in with the music files. And the music was shit and Randy never went through it b/c it wasn't anything he wanted to listen to. I remember having that conversation.

He was telling the truth.
I stopped hyperventalating.

Later last night after I calmed down and no longer thought my husband was gay, he looked at me and said
" I can't believe you thought I was gay................"

He's still really offened.

Then I thought, yeah - he'd probably dress better if he was gay.He's never ummmm, how do I put this, eh, tried to do anything while we're playing "sink the sasuage" that would have indicated he, eh, well would be gay. We mave a very healthy and AMAZING bedroom life. And he does seem to like the snach.

A lot.

I'm an idiot.
Who said your family can't fuck you up?

Now scroll down and look at my BEAUTIFUL daughters.


Patsy Darling said...

Oh boy drama drama drama. you caught your ex in a dress. Oh man. I miss Queer as Folk, what a great show.

Anonymous said...

LMGDFAO ha ha ha ha your hubby sure as hell coulda fooled me, I would have believed ya.... J/K cause then I would have to kill him. Anyways thats some funny shit. You need to lay off the crack. Oh and what was his friend doing with a bunch of gay porn???

Boozie said...

You thought your husband was gay? THAT is hilarious. And of course I had to keep reading after the "if you're easily offended" remark!

Melanie said...

LMAO!!! I LOVE IT!!! I would have done the same thing. Gay porn scares me!

Ms Meh said...

::falls out of chair:: Nice.

notasoccermom said...

Just so eveyone know - anon. comment #2 is my fuckstick brother

notasoccermom said...

FYI - Fuckstick is a term of affection, really.

Krista said...

Sounds like something I would do!! I love your blog, I read it everyday!!

Erik said...


Amy's Working said...

Oh darlin' gay? Not even bi? You will definately have to make it up to him and help him restore his manhood with some good old fashion girl on guy action tonight. I make sure not to go anywhere near his b-hole - that would send the poor man over the edge!

djkibblesnbits said...

I saw the link to your blog on Nora's now officially defunct blog and decided to check it out...awesome blog!! I love it!

Man, that would've been bad if that gay thing really had come true...two in the span of a few years? Golly. Thankfully, it was all a misunderstanding, lol. But a funny one. :-)

Jack's Raging Mommy said...

I once found an email on my boyfriend's computer where he told a friend of his he almost cheated on me.
Found out later he did in fact cheat on me, just not that time.
But three other times.
I'm glad your story ended better than mine :)

bigbadblondie said...

I can't believe you thought he was GAY! Now, I realize that you are a liberal minded gal like myself (okay, yes-I do go the the local "gay church"), and I know that my hubby tends to look at a little internet nasty when I work late nights, but I would not freak out because I would just have guessed that he either got lost or he was "curious". But you see, we have the good lovin too (by the way, he like your term for intercourse-headboard bangin monkey love!) and it would take more than some men bumbing their uglies on the computer to make me wonder. Love ya! C

P.S. Nobody better call me naive!

JustLinda said...

Great post... diggin' your blog.