While at my parents house last weekend I decided to go though whatever crap it was that I still had there. I found all of my journals from 15-18.
I waited until the girls were napping and I sat down to read them.
You know what I wrote about?
Thats about it.
Boys and my 2 best friends (BFF!) at the time.
Seriously, I had co-dependency issues-I probably did until right before I started dating Randy.
Because when we started dating, I didn't want a boyfriend. More than anything I wanted to be alone.
But it was Randy.
Not only had we been friends for 5 years, it was well known that I still had a crush on him, carried on from the first time we dated 4 yrs beforehand.
I thought it was safe and so it began.
I can't even tell you all how long I slept in his bed before we actually "did the deed".
A long while.
Alright, I suppose that a few months isn't really that long, but when you're at the bar and had a FEW drinks (Randy was DJ-ing), a few nights a week -a few months is a VERY LONG TIME.
Anyways, I got off topic again - So I'm finishing my last journal and I see something written a few pages back and it's not in my hand writing.
It was a letter from one of my BFF, written in Feb. of 2000.
It was one of the nicest letters I've ever read. She told me that I was " such a good person and that everyone I come in contact with sees that" and went on to say how I didn't always need a man in my life and how I shouldn't sell myself short. How in the end when I find my Mr. Right it will all be worth everything that has gone wrong in every relationship before that and cancel it out.
I sat there on my parents bed crying after I read that.
Not only was it true, it made me feel good to know that I had such an awesome friend.
A friend I don't talk to anymore.
I tried like hell the rest of the afternoon to remember her cell #, but I couldn't.
See, back in Dec, the other BFF had a baby and no one called me. I got pissed and said screw em both, erased both all the phone and cell#'s and haven't heard from either since.
Not even after I sent them Faith's birth announcement.
It makes me sad, but what can you do? I told Randy I should send her a card, but I know my feelings would be hurt if I didn't hear from her after that.
If you didn't know, I'm very fragile.
I think of ending this blogg AT LEAST 2 times a week.
Just yesterday I got a email from someone telling me that I swear too much and if my Grandmother was alive, she'd wash my mouth out.
1. I'm an ADULT! I own my own home, have a husband and children. I can swear if I want.
2. My grandmother is who I learned to swear from in the 1st fucking place( Bill, can I get an AMEN on that one???!)!
3. Odviously, she hasn't seen my brother, Bill's site.
It drives me crazy and I wish I could change it, but I don't know where to even start.