Thursday, November 17, 2005

BREAKDOWN

I've been thinking a lot lately about things and people in my life. And to be completely honest - I think it's kinda a train wreck.

For the last hour or so I've been tossing and turning in bed and finally decided I had enough. I'm hope that if I vent here for a bit I'll feel better and might be able to get some sleep.

Here I go:

I don't think I like me very much anymore. And I'm not just talking about my appearance. It's so much more than that. I used to think that I was a good person with a good heart.

Not like totally outstanding or anything, but good.
I really just don't feel like that anymore.

My issue is that I let other people have too much control in my life. Now, this is something that I already knew and had known for my whole entire life.
Then someone pointed it out to me the other night and I was actually kinda hurt. Not because someone else noticed it, but because they had to point it out. EVERYONE IS A FUCKING CRITIC - me included. I abso-fucking-lutly hate it.
One of my major issues has always been worrying what other people think of me. I don't know why. I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS think someone is mad at me or doesn't like me anymore. It's all very high school. I mean, for the love of God, I started a new blog where I could just go vent and not have to worry about who I knew that was reading it and talking shit about me over dinner.

I also have a really hard time telling people that they've hurt my feelings.
Recently some things have happened (that I'm not going to get into here) and I was talking about it with another person and they looked me straight in the eye and said " You did nothing to detour this", which I took as " This is all your fault you fucking idiot". And I actually thought it was a mean comment. I'm the kinda person that has a hard time hurting people's feelings on purpose and I guess I need to work on that. Maybe I didn't do anything to "detour" the situation, Hell, I bet I probably encouraged it without meaning to as well .

I'M HUMAN - I SCREW UP EVERY NOW AND THEN. I'M NOT PERFECT AND I DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE.
AGAIN, EVERYONE IS A CRITIC!
Do I think I handled the situation poorly - YES, but I can't go back and change it. BUT HEY! THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT!!

I've been pissed at so many people for so long that it's honestly rediculous.
I'm constantly pissed at this troll at work for running it's mouth about me, but then I turn around and do the SAME DAMN THING to it.

I have "friends" I avoid because, well, I don't think that they're good friends and I can't be honest with them.

Ever feel like you're just a pile of shit?
Ever want to run away and start over where no one knows you?


Moving to Texas has been brought up again and you know what - WHY THE HELL NOT?

The only thing keeping me here is my family. But if I look back in 30 years and say " Yeah, I wish I would have just tried it" I'll regret it.

Really, all I want to do is just be a better person. And as I sit here and cry while I type this I guess I didn't think I was this bad of a person until now, but it's all just been building up.

Why do I let people make me feel like shit?
I want to be that pretty, funny girl that everyone likes, but I just don't know if it's in the cards.
At least not here in Omaha/ Council Bluffs.

I don't want to win a Nobel Peace prize or anything, I just want to be a decent person.

I guess more than anything, I just wanted everyone ELSE to think I was a decent peron too.





I'm not trying to have my own little pitty party here, but I guess thats what it turned out to be.

9 comments:

Firebrand said...

Woman, from what I know of you, you are a very decent person! I know how you feel, though...sometimes it's hard not to take what others say as "too personal"...

And, damnit, this is your blog...vent away!

deadmanwade1 said...

I know you're a good person. I never stopped thinking that. If you not a good person, I must the right-hand to the devil.

Love you!!!

MadHotMama said...

You are the most kindhearted person I have ever met. Don't ever let anyone tell you, or make you feel otherwise (easier said than done I know) and if they still have a problem tell them to call me and i will bring out a can of whoop ass. love you

p.s. I hate to say it b/c i love you and would miss you horribly, but if moving to texas is the right thing--then do the right thing.

Jen said...

I know I've only just "met" you, but I see you as a very fun and good person.

You need to do whatever it takes to feel good about yourself.

Vent away, sweetie, that's what blogs are for.

notyourtypicalsouthernbelle said...

Awww....I think you are a great person.

I feel like crap all the time because I will swear up and down that I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me. I mean, I don't act standoffish or anything, but I am definitely the mom everyone stays away from most of the time. So sometimes that doesn't bother me at all, and other times it just makes me cry. Because life is so much like high school, only there are grownups all cliquing off. Ah well; not telling you anything you don't already know.

*hugs* Hope you feel better soon!

Rude Cactus said...

I don't know if it'll make you feel any better but I'm pretty much convinced that everyone goes through this every once in a while. Worrying about what others think of you is natural. Being dissatisfied with where you are in life? Also natural.

Kurt said...

There is much to be said about fresh starts. I moved to Texas when I was 21 - away from my reputation, away from ruts and habits. But also away from childhood friends, family and roots.
It has been both good and bad.
But the "woulda, shoulda, coulda"s are the same from either location.
I agree with rude - we all go into funks and struggle to get out. I'll be praying for ya.

bigbadblondie said...

We have both been up and down the same crazy road, trying to create our own families and facing the wins and losses (often almost at the same time!) You have been a good friend to me, and I love you for it. We decided to pick up and move away from so much crap, only to find new crap to face. As we both know all too well, there are no guarantees in this life. But know this... I will always be an email or call away, and I will be here for you! XOXO C

P.S. We got to hear the heartbeat Tuesday!

courtneythefuckingbeautiful said...

Everyone is they're own worst critic, and I'm the Queen. I emotionally "beat" myself up over things, that later I realize was something completely stupid. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself. And, you shouldn't be, either. Where is all this pressure coming from? Yourself? A friend? A relative? No one sees you as you see yourself. I see you as someone who is very witty, intelligent, beautiful, open, caring, and trustworthy. I could go on and on here. Don't compete with yourself. Go therapy.