I've been thinking a lot lately about things and people in my life. And to be completely honest - I think it's kinda a train wreck.
For the last hour or so I've been tossing and turning in bed and finally decided I had enough. I'm hope that if I vent here for a bit I'll feel better and might be able to get some sleep.
Here I go:
I don't think I like me very much anymore. And I'm not just talking about my appearance. It's so much more than that. I used to think that I was a good person with a good heart.
Not like totally outstanding or anything, but good.
I really just don't feel like that anymore.
My issue is that I let other people have too much control in my life. Now, this is something that I already knew and had known for my whole entire life.
Then someone pointed it out to me the other night and I was actually kinda hurt. Not because someone else noticed it, but because they had to point it out. EVERYONE IS A FUCKING CRITIC - me included. I abso-fucking-lutly hate it.
One of my major issues has always been worrying what other people think of me. I don't know why. I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS think someone is mad at me or doesn't like me anymore. It's all very high school. I mean, for the love of God, I started a new blog where I could just go vent and not have to worry about who I knew that was reading it and talking shit about me over dinner.
I also have a really hard time telling people that they've hurt my feelings.
Recently some things have happened (that I'm not going to get into here) and I was talking about it with another person and they looked me straight in the eye and said " You did nothing to detour this", which I took as " This is all your fault you fucking idiot". And I actually thought it was a mean comment. I'm the kinda person that has a hard time hurting people's feelings on purpose and I guess I need to work on that. Maybe I didn't do anything to "detour" the situation, Hell, I bet I probably encouraged it without meaning to as well .
I'M HUMAN - I SCREW UP EVERY NOW AND THEN. I'M NOT PERFECT AND I DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE.
AGAIN, EVERYONE IS A CRITIC!
Do I think I handled the situation poorly - YES, but I can't go back and change it. BUT HEY! THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT!!
I've been pissed at so many people for so long that it's honestly rediculous.
I'm constantly pissed at this troll at work for running it's mouth about me, but then I turn around and do the SAME DAMN THING to it.
I have "friends" I avoid because, well, I don't think that they're good friends and I can't be honest with them.
Ever feel like you're just a pile of shit?
Ever want to run away and start over where no one knows you?
Moving to Texas has been brought up again and you know what - WHY THE HELL NOT?
The only thing keeping me here is my family. But if I look back in 30 years and say " Yeah, I wish I would have just tried it" I'll regret it.
Really, all I want to do is just be a better person. And as I sit here and cry while I type this I guess I didn't think I was this bad of a person until now, but it's all just been building up.
Why do I let people make me feel like shit?
I want to be that pretty, funny girl that everyone likes, but I just don't know if it's in the cards.
At least not here in Omaha/ Council Bluffs.
I don't want to win a Nobel Peace prize or anything, I just want to be a decent person.
I guess more than anything, I just wanted everyone ELSE to think I was a decent peron too.
I'm not trying to have my own little pitty party here, but I guess thats what it turned out to be.