Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Sometimes I think I might cross the line...

The girls and I are flying to Texas on Sunday.
Randy has to drive down later in the week because of work.
We're staying with his Mom, as always.
Have I mentioned that my niece and nephew ( 9&7) live there too?

Our Nephew, C.D.( just his initals) is the "leader of the pack" in the weirdness department.

So, I was standing in the kitchen that other night, looking at my birth control pills.
I saw that I would get my period over the 10 days I was in Texas.

" Um, Randy, I need to refill my birth control pills early and skip my period this month."

" Why?"

" Because I don't want to get my period when I'm in Texas"

" Why?"

"Because C.D. is weird and I could totally see him going through the trash, picking out the bloody applicator, nameing it Henry and carrying it around in his pocket. Next thing you know he brings it to Christmas dinner and plops it down next to the Christmas ham. I DO. NOT. want to be responsible for that".

Randy stares at me in silence for 30 seconds.
" Honey, I can promise you that won't happen"

" How can you promise me, Randy?!"

" Because we never have ham for Christmas. "

Thursday, November 30, 2006


Well, it finally happened.
Shit hit the fan at my hospice lady's house.
Myself and the other girls that work for the registry got sideswiped by the caregiver that isn't with the registry.
She gave hospice lady our report book where we write what happened during our shift ( i.e. every time she threatens to kill herself, yells at us, is off her oxygen, what she eats, how many packs she smokes when we're there, and what care she refuses).
Hospice lady hit the ROOF!!!!
I called Carrie, the caregiver that's there right now on her cell to see how things were going and she told me what happened.
She was smack dub in the middle of hell.
She asked me to call our registry ( they refer us, but we private contractors) and let them now she wouldn't be going back.
She also told me I was in for it when I came back.
I know truer word were never spoken.
I'm also not going back.
I called our registry and told them about what was going on.
They dropped her as a client.
It wasn't worth us losing our licences, or standing of the way of getting our nursing licences ( Carrie and I both have less than a year left before we're RN's).
With the pills missing(again), and the way she's been treating us girls, refusing care, and unwilling to have new caregivers, she's too much of a liability.

With us all leaving they refuse to send anyone else out.
My heart is breaking.
I promised myself I would stay until the end, but enough is enough.
I know the woman that gave her the book to read wanted more hours, but she went about the wrong way.
She fucking sandbagged us.

Why do I feel so bad?

Bits and pieces

I wonder if it's my resent experience with getting high that led me to add the song, Karma Chameleon to my iPod??
Grace has informed us that Santa will be bring her a bike, a puppy, a baby brother, and a talking Dora doll Christmas. We talked to Santa. None of those are on the list.
Santa finished Grace old list weeks ago.


Grace is in a Little Mermaid phase. My favorite part of the day is her bed time when I go lay in bed with her, and we tell each other stories and sing Part of your World. Neither of us know all the words. It's too funny.


I added the song, Africa, by Toto to my MySpace page. It's still my favorite song EVER! It's kinda our song. Randy and I sing it together every time we go to Karaoke.
Why, yes, we are big nerds.
And having as my ring tone on my cell phone just isn't enough.
Hey! I also have London Bridges.
Africa is for Text Messages, and when Randy calls from his cell.
Again - Nerd.


After working more than any one person should the last 2 days, I had a list of things I wanted to get done before going back to work at my regular full-time job tonight.
Last night my list was:

1. Spend time with the girls and Randy.
2. Drink the yummy wine my Mom and Dad bought Randy and I for our anniversary last week.
3. Take a VERY long hot shower and shave.
4. Have headboard bangin', monkey sex with my husband, who has gone neglected lately, due to my crazy work schedule.
5. Check my email and blogg ( also been neglected due to work schedule)
6. Make cookies for a friend at work.

Well, I spent the night with Randy and the girls. We didn't make cookies. I sang song and told stories with Grace in her bed until she said " um, Mommy, you can go now".
Took a very long, hot shower, doing a half-ass job at shaving.
Then debated drinking wine, but decided against it because I'd taken so much Aleve, due to feeling like my face was hit by a Semi driven by Satan himself ( Aftermath of Root Canal).
Laid on my husband's chest, intertwined with him for over an hour, just cuddling until he had to get up and work on the computer ( he works from home @ 11p for an hour or so every night).
When he got up, I told him I was going to nap on the couch, but to WAKE ME UP so we could, um, enjoy each other's company more fully.
I woke up in bed this morning.
"HEY, DAMMIT! I thought you were gonna wake me up for some sinkin' the sausage!!!"
Randy looked at me all wide-eye ed " Yeah, I sooo tried, but you weren't having it."
Damn me!

A thin line between love and hate- My excuse- Thank you for smokng!!!

I've told you that I took a part time Hospice job, right?
7 months ago.

I take care a an 84 year old woman with lung cancer.
She still in her own apartment because they allow her to chain smoke.

Anyways, she's a retired math teacher.
No children of her own, divorced after 5 years.
She's always ran the show, never letting anyone else take control.

As, I mentioned before, I'm sure the cancer in in her brain now, because she'll flip at the drop of a hat.
All the other caregivers are quitting cause they can't take it anymore.
So, being nice, I filled in for a few shifts on my days off because this woman is absolutely AWFUL to new caregivers.

Anyway, about a month ago, she decide to bring in 2 new people who don't work for the registry that 3 of us do, therefore, avoiding the the hourly fee she'd have to pay on top of the hourly salary we get.

Since then things have gone to shit. Her pain meds have gone missing on 2 different occasions.
84 hydrocodone pills, and 2 bottles of Tylenol 3 ( codeine).
It's literally been a cluster fuck.
Well, she's gone now ( in rehab), but pills came up missing again over the weekend with the other person not with our registry.
So, I walked into hell Monday at 1pm.
At 1:30, her hospice nurse, the social worker, and her power of attorney all walked in to have a "walk with Jesus talk".
It went badly.
We all have an idea of where the pills are going, but can't prove it.
Long story short - she almost PUNCHED OUT her hospice nurse.
No, I'm not kidding.

So, guess who was left smack dab in the middle of HELL when they all left.
That's right, little 'ol me.
To make matters worse - I was there for a 20 hour shift ( 1p - 9a the next morning)
To make it EVEN MORE worse, I lived with the knowledge that I would be back 5 hours after I left for yet another 8 hour shift.
So, when 9am rolls around, and my relief comes, my fav other caregiver, and I tell her what has all gone down, she tells me she's done.
She won't be coming back.
Somehow I agree to work her overnight shift that evening.
So instead of working 2-10, as I planned, I was coming back 2p-9a.
I knew it would be trouble.

So, I rush off to a root canal appt. that I had @ 10a.
That lasted until 12:15.
Had just enough time to run to Barnes an Nobble to get Sleeping with the Fishes, and run home for a much needed shower, and go back.


I knew I was in for a LOOOOOOOONG shift when 20 minutes later she ORDER me out of the room so she could make a phone call, and said, in her nastiest mean little old lady voice, " and don't you DARE go into the other room and pick up the phone and listen!!"

Yeah, cause I do that kinda thing. UGH!

I asked her when had I EVER done that to her (????) and went outside to avoid accusation.

She was NASTY to me the rest of the night.

I was public enemy #1.

The hospice Chaplin came to visit with her around 3p, and she told him that : 1. us younger girls were " hypersensitive, and over react to her voice tone" and it must be because of the "generation gap". 2. It's the hospice nurses fault that her pills go missing ( did I mention that she accused HER of taking the missing pills??? Uh, yeah. Her nurse is 6 months pregnant. Must be growin' a little narc addict). 3. She was *PROUD* she acted like she was going to hit the nurse. She'll " always go to bat for my caregivers!!! DON'T YOU DARE ACCUSE THEM!!! Which, BTW, he nurse NEVER did. WE just kinda put 2 and 2 together).

Needless to say, I was walking on eggshells until about 5am, when she decided she loved "me sooo much".

Shit. She'd better!!! I've been with her since the beginning and am the only one who hasn't quit because of her nastiness.
And because she smokes like a chimney.
Spending 39 hours with her over the last 2 days, I see that it's far more than the 3 packs a day than I thought.

But what can I do? I've promised myself I would stay with her until the end, but I'm seeing that there is a thin line between love and hate with her.
And I hate never knowing what side I'll be on when I walk in the door..

The money isn't even worth it half the time.
This, my friends, is my long, lame-ass excuses for still smoking.

I'm not an addict

Actually, yes I am. My Drug: Books.
For I can not help myself.
And the fact that I work overnight just fuels the fire, so to speak.
I read, on the average, anywhere from 4-8 books a week.
And this week is a EXCELLENT week, my fellow nerds, because my absolute favorite-est author, MaryJanice Davidson, put out her new book, Sleeping with the Fishes, Tuesday.

Of course I ran right on out and got it.

*SIGH* I love that woman.


Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Because I got high, because I got high, because I got HIGHHHHHHHHH

Hey! Remember me? Here I am. I know it's been awhile- sorry about that.

Let's get down to it, shall we?

Right after I posted last time I got a killer migrane from hell that lasted for a week.

A FUCKING WEEK- that's right.

I thought I was dying.

It was worse than haven't my body sliced open twice to remove 2 little red headed little girls without the epidural working ( turns out I'm immune to morphine).

Dr. FancyShoes ( as I like to call her) gave me Imitrex, and that only made my head feel like it was splitting open at the base of my skull.

Good Times.
I'm pretty sure I was as close to a raving bitch as one can get.

Finally caved in and went to the ER when I just couldn't do it anymore.

They gave me a shot of Stadol, which has been the only thing that has ever worked for me. AND it makes you feel drunk. I love it.

However, my good friend Stadol let me down this time ( little fucker).

20 minutes later, and feeling no better, I got some other shot.

It didn't work either.

Narcotics, to me, are kind of small bunch to pick from since I'm allergic to codeine. Even a little bit. and I'll decorate rooms in vomit. We all get the point, right?

30 minutes later they called in the big guns.

50 mg in the ass.

**Fokes, I gotta tell ya, if I ever get over my fear of sharp objects, and wanted to throw my life away to become a drug addict, Demerol would defiantly be my lover.

Feeling a little bit better ( pain had gone from a 9 to a 6), and 20 minutes later we were on our way home. I couldn't even smoke on the way cause I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I wasn't sleeping - I WAS HIGH! I still tried to smoke anyway.

* Also keep your panties on. I know I said I was going to quit, and I am. I'm just not ready yet...I'll explain more later. Next post, k?

We got home and Randy started walking for the door and I just kinda stood in the driveway....trying to get my feet to work.

I thought it was all very fascinating




Little Ms. Never went though a "drug phase" was high.

I made it to the couch, grunted a thank you at my sister for dropping everything and coming to watch the kids, and laid down. I felt like I was falling. I just never hit the ground. Randy put the girls to bed and went out and bought me a Ruben from Arby's. I was trying to watch what I ate, but I was too high to care. Pretty sure I scarfed that bad boy down, chasing it with a FAT Dr. Pepper( I only drink diet soda). I remember laying back down, watching South Park around 9pm. Next thing I know it's 3am and Randy is telling me it's time to go lay in bed.

I wasn't high in the morning, but good things never do last, do they? By mid-morning my migraine was gone, an there was peace in my head and my home.
And 3 very large bruises on my ass cheeks.


Thursday, November 16, 2006

You know, I'm selfish.
I've given up my blogg for sleep.
I don't feel bad about it though.
I love sleep.
Not that I don't love you all, but, like I said I'm selfish, and sleep is better.
I don't have anything funny to say.
I've become boring.

I'll rack my head over the next few days and try to come up with something witty

Monday, November 06, 2006

Just a little bit broken...

I'm late, I know....
Still recovering from a month of pure hell...

But it's all good, cause I got new Pajamas and slippers that match yesterday.

I love Sock monkeys!

Working overnights kinda sucks.
Last month I worked10 hour shifts Friday, Saturday, Monday Tuesday.
Not my job, of course, but not working the days in a row.
I also still have my hospice lady, that I'm convinced, will out live us all...chain smoking 3 packs a day.
Sunday was my only full day off.
Miserable and broken- That best describe me in the month of October.

I haven't talked to a majority of my friends in a month ( or I saw them and they didn't talk to me).

This month, I got my schedule permanently changed to Thursday - Sunday.
Hospice lady on Mondays and Wednesday.
Now Tuesday are my only day off.
Once Christmas is done and over, helpfully, so will the madness.

Wanna know the kicker to all this?
It's really funny.
I switched to overnights cause Randy was going to take a different job within his company and would actually work 9-5, and we didn't want to put the girls in daycare.
Well, after finding out what all the job entailed, after numerous interviews, Randy declined the it because it would have just been another glorified headache with more money
At least where he's at now he has flexibility.
So, now I'm working overnights, and Grace is going to daycare.
She was so bored after school, and I was so tired, it was the best choice.

I couldn't switch my hours back if I wanted to.
Because of the holidays, my company puts out November -January schedules in October.
I'm stuck.
Funny, huh?

Yeah....Not so much.

But I have cute pajamas!

Oh, yeah - Still smoking...haven't lost any weight either.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

This and that

I know I haven't been posting much.
Our computer sucks ass and my husband tried to kill me, which resulted in my spending massive amounts of time on the toilet, leaving me little computer time.
You see, the other day I was feeling a little "backed up"( thank you Runza) and sent Randy out for Ex lax.
He brought home this little chocolate bar and said to eat it.
And so I did.
My husband, however, misread the directions.
It DID NOT say to eat one bar, it said to eat ONE PIECE of the chocolate bar.
Lets just say that once I got to work I told one of the nurses what happened and she called poison control.
It was a rough night.
I left work @ 2am, puking and shitting my brains out.
Good times, Good times.
And the party didn't end until this morning.
So, I'm not even going to bother with updating my scale tracker at the top, cause it won't be right, anyway

My husband tried to kill me.
He's on my shit list.

Also, we are quiting smoking.
We're doing the patch.
So, I will tell you all now that I will be taking a leave of absence from posting until November 1, 2006.
Being on the computer is one of my " triggers", so I'm taking a break from the Internet for a while.

I'd love to say that I'm throwing myself into working out, however my fucking gym, that let me all remind you, I paid $900 for a 2 year membership 8 months ago, CLOSED LAST WEEK!!!!
ugh! Totally pissed!!!
Ok, everyone take care, I'll be back soon!

Monday, October 16, 2006

Beauty isn't everything...

So, did you see the last episode of Flavor of Love last night???!?!?!
My predictions came true - Crazy ass New York did the walk of shame !!!!! FOR THE SECOND TIME!!!!!!!
Love it!
It goes to show you the even the most beautiful women can have hell in her heart, and it makes her ugly!
I * heart* Deelishis.
Totally the better pick!

***Doin' the happy dance!!***

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Ever have those days where you feel like a failure as a parent?
I had one yesterday.
Our 3 year old, Grace, drove me to tears.
She is destroying everything.
The blinds in her room are trashed.
She broke her toddler bed by jumping on it.
She broke Faith's crib by continuously climbing into it.
When we give her a sippy cup when she lays down, she spits it on the floor.
She LOVE LOVE LOVES to take every single piece of clothing out of her dresser and toss it around.
All in all, the kid is driving me nuts.
So, I yell.
Then I cry.
Then I call my mom and she says, " She needs more structure than you're providing.."
Again, feeling like a HUGE failure as a mother.
I wish I was SuperMom, but I'm not.
My sister( In law, so it's not in my genes) is SuperMom, and I guess I envy that.
She goes to school full-time,is preparing for Pharmacy school, takes care of her VERY LARGE, BEAUTIFUL home, and raises a happy little boy, while my brother is workin' hard over sea's.
And I'm pretty sure she has like a 4.0 on top of everything.
And she's BEAUTIFUL.
Again, feeling like a failure.

Maybe my mom is right. We don't provide enough structure. But honestly, we're doing the best that we can.
I have to work.
Randy has to work.

I'm sure Grace is bored. And she's 3.
So, as of now, we no longer take naps, since this is when most of the chaos happens.
I'm also considering leaving my part-time hospice job. I didn't think that the lady I take care of would last this long, but I've come to the conclusion that she will outlive us all.
It's hard to walk away from easy money, especially when money used to be a huge deal ( it's gotten better, but I'm always afraid), but my sanity can't take much more.
Right now, I have 1 day a week off, and I spend it sleeping.
More than anything, I just want happy kids, you know?
And honestly, I just don't think it's possible here.
Not in this tiny house.
Not in this state.

I think back to when I've seen them the happiest, when we've been the happiest, and it's in Texas.

That's all for now

Monday, October 09, 2006

Bummed out

I totally thought last night was the big decision on The Flavor of Love..
It was a recap.
Now I have to wait another week
Damn it!

I hope it will make the Walk of Shame that the Crazy-ass New York does even sweetier.
That woman is just not nice person.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Ignorance is Bliss

While walking by the laudry room last night, I mention to Randy that the cat boxes needed to be changed.

" Speaking of the laundry room", he replied, " I have something I should tell you..."

" Uh, okay, what?" I said

" We had a snake. I found it about 3 weeks ago. Came in from the Sub pump.."

"WH-WHA-WHAT!!!! You're just now telling me?!?!"

" Well, I tried to catch it, but it went under the dryer....."


" Because I knew you'd have this reaction...Abby( our 6 month old kitten) found it, hurt it pretty bad, and I found it on a pile of Grace's clothes about a week ago,
and took it out...It's gone so don't worry."

" If you EVER think that I'll ever do laundry again you are sadly, sadly mistaken."

A FUCKING SNAKE....IN MY BASEMENT...Where the computer is...
If I stop posting, it's because I refuse to come downstairs, okay?

We all know I DO NOT DO SNAKES

Snakes are my worst PHOBIA...


Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Oh, now, come the FUCK on...... I apologize to my Mother in advance for this one...

So many different responses are running through my little head...

Me, being the ever loving smart ass that I am, would have said.
" Oh, yeah? Let them suck your cock while they're at it, Asshat!"

I can just hear my Mom now
"Oh, Ann! The language!!!"

She'll light a candle for me at church on Sunday

Sendin' a little "lub" for my brother overseas

Bill, This one is for you...
I know how you "lubs" da little people..

New songs inspired by Weight Watchers

*I'm in luv wit' my Oatmeal ( I'm in Luv wit a Stripper)
" I'm in luv wit my oatmeal..It's rich, and it's creamy, it feeds me....."

* I'm Bring Chicken Back ( SexyBack)
" I'm bringin' Chicken back..Extra Crispy, you ain't gotta ask..Get me my order 'fore you get attacked..Forget the beans, and buddy watch your back...."

* My Butt don't Lie ( Hips Don't lie)
" Not on tonight, cause my butt don't lie, and the jeans, they just fit too tight.
The friction...zippers not connectin'..Can't you see baby, no circulation.....

*Eattin' Cupcakes ( Ridin' Dirty)
" You see me runnin, and hiding..in closets, so they don't catch me eattin' cupcakes ( try to catch eattin' cupcakes.-Try to catch me eattin' cupcakes)."

* Eat Me ( Hate Me )
" Eat me today..Eat me tomorrow...Eat me so you can see what pepperoni does for you.."

Book Worm

Since I'm now working 10pm-8:30 I have reading like crazy.
Yes, I read.

Shut up....

Here's what was on my list the last 48 hours:

All Roads Lead to Texas - not too bad

In His Wife's Name - Okay

A Perfect Love - * YAWN*

*Wifey* - Who the hell knew Judy Blume wrote books for Adults?!?!? I couldn't put this one down

Tears of a Renegade - Pretty okay.

Have I mentioned that I LOVE working the overnight shift? Until around 7am, anyway......

You would think...

You would now that I'm working the overnight shift, some of the excitement would drop off.

Not a fucking chance.

In the last 2 days, between 7:15am - 8:30am I have been:

Threatened ( gotta love the death threats).

Pissed on.


Flashed ( repeatedly).

Hit ( again).

cleaning up piss (x2)

called a slut....by a 6 year old......

Good times, my friends.
Good times.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Guilty Pleasures

FALVA FLAV!!!!!!!!!!!

I can not help it.
I'm addicted.

Next Sunday is the last episode.
I will spend all week in suspense.

If he picks that crazy ass New York ( and if you watched last night, you'll see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree), I'll puke.

However, I would love LOVE LOVE to see her silly ass do the walk of shame when he picks Deelishus.
I *heart* her.

I know, I know....I'm shallow.

Church SHOULD NOT be stressful!!!

So, we're trying out a new church.
Grace goes to Pre-School there, and it's just down the street, so why not, right?

Except they don't have a nursery.

Grace continually slid up and down the pew, showing everyone her " puple big girl pants", and Faith, well, Faith decided to see how far she could throw her bottle about 10 times, before hitting the 101 year old woman behind us, and Randy took her out.

I don'tthink I took anything away from church yesterday...Except a headache.
Now, the question is, will we go back???

I remember going to church as a little kid.
I'm sure I wasn't always an angel.
I remember one time in particular, while sitting in the front row at Sunday mass, when my brother, who is 2 and a half years younger than me, started making shooting sounds.
When I asked him what he was doing, he simply replied,
" I'm shooting the devil into a twinkie."

I laughed so hard! I CAN STILL REMEMBER IT! I was probably only 8.
Looking back, I'm sure my mom was totally embarrassed.

Payback's are a bitch.

Sunday, October 01, 2006


As I've told you people that live inside my computer, I work in a residential Treatment Center for youth with behavioral/mental issues.
Really, what it all comes down to is that these kids, for the most part, had a shitty start in life.
Not all of them, but a majority.

So, it's not really all their fault that, at times, they can be little assholes.
However, they are in a locked down facility for a reason.

I've been there now for almost 6 months.

I never thought that I would get to the point where I don't even bat an eye lash at some the shit that goes on.

" I'm gonna fucking kill you, and then I'm gonna find your house and kill your kids, you fat, ugly bitch!!!!" - I hear this AT LEAST twice a week.


I can't believe that I've gotten to the point where I'm just like
" Yup, Kill me and my kids, got it. I'm a fat bitch..Got it"
Doesn't even phase me anymore.


Just last night I had a 14 year old boy tell me that I "smell like a French fucking whore house", and he hates it when I walk by.

I guess he doesn't like Happy Heart.

Then he told me,
" I'll fucking kill you!! I'll rip this up and shove it down your throat so you can't breathe"

Got ya, chief!

Starting tomorrow, I go to the overnight shift.

I think the death threats will drop off.

Monday, September 25, 2006

A picture is worth a thousand words.................

I'd love to show you pictures from my birthday party, however, our 3 yr old lost our camera, so " No Soup for You!".
I spent 3 hours and $ 40.00 on my hair.
I wore the Adias gear.
Take pride in knowing that, at one point,I had a pair of panties that was a present from one of my friends, on top of my head, as well as a pink feathery terra.

I did come to one conclusion.

I will not be doing this next year.

We've been doing the SAME EXACT thing for my birthday since I was 21, and I've come to realize that it's gotten stale.
Way stale.
And a little boring.
And I hate being hung over.
I hate worrying if everyone is getting along ( and then I get phone calls the next morning that so and so was soooo pissed")

I feel like I did a horrible job at playing hostess.
We we're crammed into a little space, so we couldn't all sit together.
So many things were just " blah", ya know?

I love that so many of my friends were there.
Some took the night off from work just for me, and I'm grateful.
But I'm shallow, and I spent part of last night crying because I didn't get a card from my mother-in-law, or my parents.

I'm so lame
28 sucks.

Next year, I'll settle fora "un-rushed" dinner, then maybe a movie.

Why do I fell bitchy for writing this?
Eh, don't care.

Period fairy came to town and has brought me an extra special treat this time around.

Annie Out

Saturday, September 23, 2006


So, I don't have any idea what to wear to my party.
My friends said, " Hey, you should dress up!"
To which I replied, " I'm not a girly girl..Thinking of wearin' my new Adidas sweatshirt"

Now, I'm contemplating.

Maybe it would be nice if I tried to look like a girl.
After all, I am going to get my hair and makeup "did".


I'll let you know.
Right now, I have to go poop.

Annie Out

Friday, September 22, 2006


Tomorrow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is where all my WW points went today..And it was damn good, too!

The nutritional value is ridiculous( it's 530 calories, 17 grams of fat, but no dietary fiber = 13 points outta my 24), but it's Friday, so I don't give a F.U.C.K!!!

AND, I had this for breakfast....
Planning on having this for dinner...

Remember, when I said I wasn't going to talk about it? Apparently, I lied.
I'm a big fat liar.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Back on the WW wagon today..So, Kelis inspired me

Others may know it as Bossy , but I changed it up a little

I'm the first girl to scream for a steak
I switched up for some pineapple bake
Yeah, that's right, Milkshakes bring my ass the yard
And that's right, i'm the one that's lickin on his arm.
Cause I'm a fatty
I'm a bitch that loves to eat
I'm the chick that's demandin' the steak
I told ya'll it's been 20 minutes since i ate
Someday I might hit 808.
I'm a fatty.

I'm the first one in line at da buffet
I switch it up one to Heinz 58
That's right
I'm the who there licking the plate
That's right
Never weighted 108
Never switch from licking the plate
Cause I'm fat!!

Oooh. Lemme sit down right here all nice and slow
Trying not to break the table, yo ( Table yo)
Got 3 pounds of lime jello, yo ( Jello yo)
Oooh. Fat chicks don't look cool on da flo.
Betcha never seen a muffin top like dis before (dis before)
You know I rock size 24 (24).
Oooh. Give me da taste like I been looking for.
I dont' ride no bicycle, Wanna popcicle ( popcicle)
Ooh, for my BBW up in CB.
712 can ya feel me.
Man, I really feel like some ice cream( Ice CREAMMMMM)

Hang some pop tarts from da celing, and yous gonna see me jumping
Candy in my mouth - uh -Hamburgers on the grill
Candy in my mouth - uh - Hamburgers on the grill

Cause I'm a fatty....I'm the first one in line at da buffet
That's right
I'm the whos dare licking the plate
That's right
Never weighted no effin 108
Never switch from licking the plate
Cause I'm fat!!

(Randy's rap)

It's bout time right now dat she lickin' me
Can't stop starin, she's fat, yeah, but she's pretty
Damn girl, don't hurt em!
Don't put ya fork down , you gotta work em
Puttin' plates down,
They know your background
What chu want girl, you gettin mad now.
That's how you do it, huh?
Ice Cream machine aint's workin' huh?
Well I'm the skinny one
In fact, it's me bringin her to the food

Tell that man you's a fatty
Make some noise, raise your plate if you's a fatty
I don't think he understand you's a fatty
Get some help if you need help with a patty
She ain't lost none
Ain't no refunds, she ate the cash mayne
In your benz, sticky buns, in the fast lane
Flossin, you say "how much it cost me?"
How 'bout some gummy bears, playa, she's a fatty

Uh uh... watch the french fries
Uh uh... watch the cream pies
Uh uh... watch the waiter sigh
Uh uh... watch my husband cry
Uh uh... all you can eat buffet
Uh uh... hit it every day
Uh uh....skittles comin' out to play

CAUSE I'M FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FYI : I do not wear a size 24, just so we're all clear

Monday, September 18, 2006

For all the the Bitches in my Getto...... Like R Kelly says, " Fiesta, FIESTA!!!!"

My Birthday party is THIS SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!

Where: Moe & Curly's, 108th and Maple, by the DMV.
When: My fantastically amazing self, as well as my better half, will be there by 8pm, after we go for a pre-fiesta drink @ the Mai Tai ( everyone is welcome to that, as well)

Gifts /Cards are expected( not really)
Good times will be had!!!
I will be drinking "Adult Beverages", however, I will not be getting DEU-RUNK. Drunk, Maybe, but not sloppy drunk. It hurts way too much at my old decrepit age

For everyone else - Pictures will be uploaded Sunday. Still feel free to send me Gift's/ Cards/ Gift Cards, though ( I'm a fucking riot, aren't I???).

"Little miss apprehensive, said Oooooh..She fell in love"

Yes, I'm in love.
But it's not what you think....

She's beautiful...
Let's all keep our fingers crossed, ok?

We weren't really looking.
Our house isn't even on the market.
But we saw it on HomeView, while we were flipping though TV stations, and it just so happened that there was an open house the next day.

It's in a small town, but only 20 minutes away from where we are now.
I cried when we were walking through it( Granted, I cry when it rains outside, or...well, I'm just a crier, people, but still.) It's BEAUTIFUL.
Grace didn't want to leave...I don't blame her.

What do you guys think?

I don't have a picture of the stained glass front door, but you can see the wrap around porch, and some other pic's.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I suppose it would be nice if I updated

I'll just do what I can to sum up the last 2 weeks
In hopes to irritate my husband, I answer all his questions with " My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard..........." It works. He gets irritated.
I then walk around and tell people " Hi, I like cheese!!!" ...Maybe you had to be there.

Randy's Grandfather died

Grace decided she was potty trained.
She started pre-school.
I cried like a baby.
She's totally the shit with her big ass Dora backpack.

The woman I do hospice care for has become increasingly demanding. She's pissed I can't provide 24 hour a day care for her.
Now, when I am there she likes to scream at me...then tell me how much she loves me. I think the cancer has attacked her brain.

Randy had a dream that I left him for a 16 year old that wrote his own wedding vows and gave me a bigger ring. He woke me up @ 3am to make sure I wasn't going anywhere.

Faith, in all her 16 month glory, FIANLLY said mama.

I turned 28 on the 13th.
I got just what I wanted- A clean house.
AND my Brother, Sister ( in law), and nephew sent me flowers, balloons, and candy.
Grace ate the box of candy while hiding under the kitchen table.

My birthday party isn't until the 23rd.

I've gained 12 pounds in the last week.
Thought maybe I was knocked up.
We took a test ( well, Randy was there, but I'm the one who pissed on the strip)
He asked if I was dissapointed.
My response: " Fuck no!"
Although, I do want a baby, just not " home grown" at this point.

I went to the Doctor yesterday.
I have some weird viral infections that causes horrible headaches and makes my arms feel like they're falling off.
And makes you gain weight.
I'm on sick leave from work until Tuesday.

I'm starting Weight Watchers again, but I'm not going to take about it, ok? That seems to be the kiss of death.

Checked my email to find that one of my friends has a tumor in her spine. Keep her in your prayers, ok? C, I love you. I feel like we've been though a lot, you and I. Our Hospice work, and all of the things that come with that, the loss of our babies, the birth of babies, and now this. I wish I could make it all better.

Got a notification in the mail that there is a balloon release the 1st of October. Even though we lost Emma over 2 years ago, we're still going. There's a guilt that comes along with that. If we had Emma, we wouldn't have Faith. Regardless, she was our child and we're going.

I tried to color my hair a darker color of red cause I'm tired of people asking me " Where do your girls get their red hair from?"
I look like a fucking cartoon.

Grace is now sleeping on a mattress in her bedroom. She broke her bed...and her face by jumping, flying, and have her Dora house break her fall. We told her she's just going to have to deal with not having a bed. We didn't tell her her new bed is being delivered tomorrow.
*We put her broken bed on the curb @ 5pm....it was gone by 5:15pm...you gotta love our town.


It's never-ending fun on my end!

So, what's been up with you guys?

Friday, September 01, 2006

Do you ever?

Do you ever catch yourself having some crazy, random conversation, and think,

" Gee, if people really knew what we talked about, they would totally think we're nuts!"

If I was a smart woman, Like K, ( who by the way, has a AWESOME new haircut) and had to do it all over, I would totally tell you what these conversations are, however, too many of my " real life people" read this.
Next lifetime, no one will know of my blog, so I will be able to bring the stories of farting, masturbation, string cheese( not linked AT ALL to the word before it), and Slimfast.

You're missing out.
My bad.

Pissed off?

So, did anyone else catch the VMA's last night?
Was it just me. or did P!NK look super PISSED when she won best female POP artist?

I don't blame her.
She soooooo isn't " POP'

I love P!NK.
Although, her new hair, ICK!

I told you I was shallow

Baby Boom Boom/ Bum Bum

Grace told me she wants a baby brother.
She's planning on calling him Boom Boom.
Yesterday, she was going to name him Bum Bum.
It's a daily thing, now.

" Mommy, I want a brother"

" I know you do, sweetie, but it's going to be a while. Besides, what if you get a sister?"

" Ummmm, no. I want a brother."


We have a few years to change her mind. I'm not getting pregnant again for a few years.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

It comes in three's

We got a call last night that Randy's " estranged" grandfather is on his death bed.
It looks like we'll be going back to Texas in the very soon future.
If anything, so that my husband can meet his uncles, his dad's brother's, who he, or his dad, ever met.

I'm bitter.
Long story short- his grandfather walked out on his grandmother when his dad was 3 and went off and started a new family that never acknowledged Randy's dad, Randy Sr.
Granny got remarried to Grandpa Charlie, who rasied Randy Sr. as his own.
Then Grandpa Charlie died, and Granny remarried Grandpa John...again.
Then Randy Sr. died.
He still had never met his brothers.

One of them sent a plant funeral.
How very sweet.

Anyways, They got divorced ( again), and things are just weird.

Death happens in 3's

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

So.....Today, I totally fucked up....Big time.

* Deleted by me, cause, well, shit happens......*

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


Last night, I got hit at work.
bruised ribs suck-

What makes it even better?
It was a 6 year old that put the smack down.

Still love my job, though. :o)

Monday, August 28, 2006

What the hell is the world coming to?

Yesterday, just for kicks, I ACTUALLY wore, of my own free will, a skirt, a black sleeve-less top, and strappy shoes.
I was a totally hottie.

Yes, I passed up jeans and a sweatshirt.

Now, close your mouths.

PostSecret Favorites from this week....

Someone finally listened

I no longer have a Dirty Little Secret.
I'd like to make a very important announcement.

Our friends, Jenna and Justin got Jenna knocked up.

Justin, you aren't a very good liar.

I'm tired of acting like I didn't know.
Jenna, it wasn't really his fault. I started bugging him about making me a baby, and well, he isn't a good at lying to me.

Jenna, I hope your stress level goes down now that your sister's wedding is over.

Low stress levels are best for cooking a baby!!!!


So, yesterday we were driving to lunch, after taking the girls to feed the duckies at a local park, and I was flipping through the radio stations, and stopped when I heard a song I THOUGHT I liked

" I think this is the only TOOL song that I like", I told Randy.

"What about Sober? I thought you liked that song too?"

"Oh, yeah, and Sober....I think I like this song more, though."

" Really?!", he said, giving me that " are you fucking with me " look.

" Ummm, yeah, I think so. I don't listen to a lot of Tool". ( We All know that, right? RIGHT!)

" Do you know what this song is about?!?!?", he asked me

" Noooooo", I replied.

" He's talking about fisiting someone up the ass!"

" WHAT?!?!?!?!", I said, feeling dirty.

" Yeah, the name of the song is STINKFIST. I'm sure it has some kind of political meaning behind it, but I never cared to find out"

I sat and listen to the rest of the song, feeling the dirtiest I ever had, fighting the urge to not throw up in my purse.
Who the FUCK writes a song about fisting up someone up the ass?!?!?
AND WHY, OH WHY, DOES MY HUSBAND KNOW THIS?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Hance, people.

It rhymes with anus.


I'm off to listen to the Dixie Chicks or something..

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Don't be silly

After 15 emails, let me clear it up the confusion.

Randy and I are still hoping to become family teachers in the spring, and in order to do so, we can only have 2 of our own children.

That's why I'm pushing everyone else to have babies.

Right now, my uterus is closed for business.
How depressing :o(

Words of wisdom

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.

8. You are special and unique.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.

13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.

15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Gotta Love Postsecret.

This isn't my secret, but I understand it.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Stupid shit you though when you were knee high to a grasshopper...

We had a nice family night ( once I changed out of my pj's after dinner) .

We decided to just drive around and ended up at a lake with a TON of geese and ducks, so we went to the store, got a couple loafs of bread, and went to feed them.

On the way home, Randy and I started swapping stories of things we thought when we were little.

When I was little, my parents took me to feed the ducks, too.
I asked my Dad one day if we could go feed them, and he told me that they went inside for the winter. So, in my little 4 year old head, I envisioned all the ducks, chillin' on a bed, inside the little office, socks half off, watching football on TV, and drinking beer.
I have no idea where that came from.

Randy thought that when it was a person's time to " go to heaven", the police came and shot them in their front yard. He assumed that's how his Grandfather died ( he really passed in his sleep) until he was 13.

I, on the other hand, must have been way more stupid than he was.

I told the nuns in my pre-school class that we needed to pray for my cat, because he was going to the Dr to get his " toy box" taken out.
My grandmother explained it to me that way ( She was a fucking riot).
My parents got a phone call.
I also told them how " My Mommy likes to drink wine".
In her defense, she did have me for a kid..... I would have drank too.

When I was 4, I got locked in a bathroom at a park, where my uncle was playing soccer. I literally " envisioned" my whole life living in that bathroom. That was a scary 7 minutes, I tell ya.

And last, but not least, when the movie Beetlejuice came out, my Dad took me and my brother to see it. It was an attempt to get us out of the house so my mom could make this really cute bunny cake for Easter the next day ( BTW, My Mom's cake was wayyyy cuter than that picture)
Anyways, I was totally bored during that movie, and was playing with a button off of my shirt, and SWALLOWED IT.
I was almost in tears, cause I didn't think I would ever be able to have babies. I figured that the button would get stuck somewhere....
God, I was a fertile dumbass, but just didn't know it.

So, Dear internets, What stupid things did you think when you were a kid?

Are you above average?

Since I was lazy today, and hung out in my pajamas, I watched Montel.
I was shocked to find that Dr. Debbie reported that statistics show that most married couples have sex 68.5 times a year...
Just a little over once a week..
68.5 times A YEAR?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
That's just craziness, I tell you.

I'm bound and determined not to be a statistic!
I'm pretty sure we aren't, but now I'm on a mission.
How about you?

Like the kids at work say, " I don't give a f***!!!!!!"

My mom came over around 1pm today to drop off our stroller.
I was sitting on the couch, talking to my neighbor ( well, writing in a notebook. She's deaf and I don't know sign language yet) and our daughters were playing.
" It's nice to see you got dressed today", my mother said.
I was sitting there in my PJ's.

I don't care.
Today is my day off. I still got up this morning, made breakfast, played with the girls, made lunch, read to them, and THEN made dinner ahead of time.
I did the dishes, and already packed the cooler for Randy, cause he's taking the girls to the zoo when he gets home, so I can clean.
I changed Faith, and put her down for a nap.
Grace was on her way to nap too, except then our neighbors came over.

AND It's not really even a whole day off, cause I'm working tonight from 8:30p-12:30am taking care of a hospice patient. Yeah, I started doing hospice work again, part time.

So, no, I didn't get dressed today, because I don't have to.

I'm going to read a little.
Crochay a little
Smoke a few cigarettes, and play on the internet.
Then scrub the kitchen floor, clean the bathroom, and work on the laundry.
I probably won't shower and change out of my pajamas until 5pm or so ( *GASP*..The HORROR!!!)
I don't think my mom has ever stayed in her pajamas past 8am.
What a waste!
I would LIVE in my pj's if I could.
And I am not ashamed.
Can I get an AMEN!?!?!?!?

Just call me lazy.
I will always be a disapointment..Oh well, I got over it

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Desperately Hoping..Start knockin'' the boots, people.

Baby fever is at an all time high right now.
While in Texas, I was constantly tried to steal our Cousin's 5 week old son, Sam.
He liked me.
I liked him.
His Daddy, Daniel, said in his cute southern accent, " I'm watching you, girl. Don't be thinking about taking that baby home with you."
To which I assured him thatwe could make out some kind of visitation arraignment - They could visit Baby Sam one weekend a year.
However, I was veto-ed out.
So, I'm secretly making ( well, I was until I wrote that)baby blankets for our friends and family members, hoping that they'll take the hint and make me a baby.
Justin, Jenna, Courtney, Jonathan, Bill, Jamie, Crystal, and Matt - You're all on my list, BITCHES!!!!!

Is it sad that I actually prayed that brother knocked up my sister in law while he was home from overseas, on vacation?

I know - *SHOCKER*, Annie does pray...I PRAY more than once a day.
I even go to church.

Now, close your mouth and go make me baby, DAMNIT!!!!!

More Examples of our fine parenting skills

Grace has a new song she loves to sing

I mean, who doesn't love it when their 3 year old belts out KORN in the grocery store??!!?
That was all her Daddy.
Grace's Version of Ring Around the Rosey

"Ring around the pussy.
Pocket full of pussy.
Asses, Asses - WE all fall down!"

In her defense, she isn't trying to make it dirty.
She still has some trouble with her R's, S's and P's.

It's damn funny, though.

War of the Crayons

Grace was sitting one the couch holding a little 4 pack of crayons she got somewhere.
Faith went over and took them from her, and Grace didn't notice- She was too busy watching Dora try to get to BrokeBack Mountain( or something like that - I tune out when it comes to Dora).
Anyways, So I took them from Faith, and Grace didn't notice for about 5 minutes.
" HEYYYY!! I want my fucking crayons back, Mommy!"
I froze like a deer in headlights, looked up from the blanket I was crocheting, and gave her the evil eye.
"Maria Grace, WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
To which she gave me the biggest Shit eating grin EVER and replied,
" Mommy, may I please have my crayons back?"
Little turd.

I getting her this shirt for Christmas.

Why do I feel the need to post these stories on the internet?
Feel free to send hate mail :o)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

We left our house for Texas @ 12:30am Friday morning.
It's a miracle in itself that we actually had all our laundry done, so packing took all of 20 minutes.
We made a quick stop at Walmart for pull-up's and milk and hit the road.
At 6:30am we blew a tire on the Highway, outside of Oklahoma.
We spent the next 2 hours at Wal-Mart, waiting for it to get fixed.
We didn't get to Randy's home town until 6:30pm( we moved 34 miles in 1 hour once we were in Dallas - I HATE DALLAS!!!!).
His Great Grandmother died that morning while we were on the road.
She would have been 90 next month.

Everything was already planned, but it's a small town with only one funeral home, and there had been a car accident a few days before, so they were "full".
As we were on the way to the cemetery Monday afternoon, EVERY SINGLE CAR pulled over to the side of the road in respect. Even the 18 wheelers .
It's was amazing.
I love his home town.
I would move there in a minute if we could.
Everyone is so nice and southern-y.
IT's so peaceful.
We sit outside in rocking chairs at night and just take it all in.
BUT the job market sucks, and we'd be broke, so it's back to Crack Town.
Thank you to everyone for all the emails and support.
You guys are awesome.

I'll be back to my regular smart-ass self tomorrow
Granny Thomas holding Faith, on her 1st visit to Texas, a month out of the NICU

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

We're back. There was NO TIME to post when we were there.
We're all exhausted. I'll post more tomorrow. But overall, things went well. Granny Thomas looked beautiful. Everyone is doing ok with it, for the most part. The people of Texas continue to amaze me. My mother in law breaks my heart by crying every time we leave. I hate seeing her in the driveway, bawling.
Got home this morning @ 10am and had to work @ 3pm....Over slept.

I'm glad this day is over.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

We're out.....

Randy's Great Grandmother is being taken off her vent in the morning...
I just got home from work and we're leaving for Texas in about 30 minutes....
I'll post more from Texas.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Blue Squiddo, WE can too!!!!.......NOT

So, I think that Nick Jr tries to make my life more difficult.
Blue just got a baby brother, Sprinkles.
Grace now wants a baby brother named Steve.
Fucking excellent.
Try explaining to a 3 year old that it's just not as simple as going to Puppyville and picking one up.

This really sucks, and I'm just not ready to relive it quite yet.
Good times, Good Times....

I'll be the first to admit that I have baby fever..

I love kids. I'd have 50 if I could, but I can't.

And since I have the pelvis of an 11 year old boy, I don't shoot babies out of my cho-cha, they are CUT OUT OF ME, AND IT HURTS AFTER THE 1ST ONE!

Fuckin' Nick Jr.........................

Check them out..

So, lately I've been all about the band, Hinder.
They're pretty kick ass.
The whole CD is A+

My favorite song is Bliss( I don't want to know)

I always did have a thing for bad boys with tattoos

Monday, August 07, 2006

" I'm bringing sexy back..."

While watching the *NEW* Justin Timberlake video the other day, I looked at Randy and said,

" Do you think Britney ever watches this video, looks over at Kev-Kev, and thinks, "Damn, I fucked up"."?

To which my Sweet Randy replies,

" I don't know what's more disturbing.-
The fact that you think about that, or that you felt the need to say that out loud."

I'm shallow, people.

But, HELLOOOOOO?!?!?!?!?
Have you seen the video?
Who wouldn't like a song that's says "Dirty babe... You see these shackles, Baby, I'm your slave.. I'll let you whip me if I misbehave... It's just that no one makes me feel this way "

Kinda sad that my 28th Birthday is right around the corner and I don't seen any type of growth in the maturity department since last year

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Maybe I was a little more upset than I thought....

While I was loading my iPod last night, I listened to this song, and started crying.

God, I'm a baby.

Friday, August 04, 2006


I have today off.
Work asked if I would work a overnight tomorrow night instead.
Overnights are a cake walk.
Leaves me lots of reading time.

So, Since it's Friday night, Randy and I are going to lay on the couch and watch movies and play scrabble and boggle ( which he spanks my ass in every effin' time).

Like I said, it's the little things that make me the happiest :o)

We were supposed to have my nephew for a few days, but we got veto-ed out by a grandparent. Well, and runor has it that Jamie thought we forgot ( NO WE DIDN'T....Randy's just ...well, you know..- We remembered, I swear)
Also, my brother went back oversea's......Without saying goodbye.... He's a douche.
I thought he was here for another week.
It makes me really sad that we aren't as close as we used to be...I'm sure I'm to blame for part of it...But it still breaks my heart just a little, ya know?

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Add it to your Netfix, Bitches~

This was one of the best movie's I've seen in a loooooooooonnnnnngggggggg ass time.
Loved it.
I hope I can be like Mama Stone when my kids are al grown up :o)

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


There's something to be said about coming home and googling Dora the Explorer for over an hour, but not e-mailing your friends.....
Go ahead....You can say it.

BUT, in my defense - I was in a REALLY BAD MOOD!

I really just suck these days

Liquid Candy For My Mouth

This stuff is the best.
I Love it with all my heart...Well, as much as you can love a drink, I suppose...
It's the small things in life that make me the happiest ( Well, You all know what I mean, right? That's not at all a reference to my husband's "unit", which BTW is NOT small, however it makes me happy, and in a way is candy for my mouth as well....Think I crossed the line again....).

I'm such a nerd.
Sleeping next to Randy makes everything all better....
No longer in a pissy mood...
Although, I haven't gone to work yet, so things are open to change...........

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

More Proof...........

Tool of Satan

HAHAHA!!! I knew it

Random ...............

One Happy Thing...

Tonight I got a comment from Amy, which is proof that she isn't dead..
And that my friends makes me VERY happy.

This my dear Amy is for you :o)

Why my day sucked

Everything after 2:30pm today just fucking blew...

The 1st day back after 5 days off sucks.

Finding out that you're not where you usually are at work sucks ( worked with the young kids tonight ....ages 7-11)

Being surrounded by utter chaos for 8 hours blows.

Being blown off for a possible booty call by a friend tops it all off.

I'm going to bed so this fucking night will be over.

I hate it when I'm this fucking pissy....It pisses ME off.


Monday, July 31, 2006

"...They try to catch me ridin' dirty."

I swear every time we got in the car over the weekend, Faith dropped a load........

I now remember why we drive overnight when we go to Texas....

5 hours
1 car ( during the DAY)
1 1 year old
1 3 year old
1 broken bottle
No Fricken Walmart OR Target in sight for 2 hours

Enough said

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Time for one more......I was a good Catholic School Girl once

Catholic School girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all died.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks
the first girl,
"Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies,
"Well, I once touched the head of onewith the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says,
"Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
" Jennifer, have youever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says,
"Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and passthrough the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St.Peter says,
"Reeva, What seems to be the rush ?
"The girl replies,
"If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, Iwant to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

ALL RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have way to much free time on our hands.......
We're putting off packing...


And this is 5 minutes of dumb, yet funny.

I don't make this shit up, people!!!

ok, seriously - I have to go pack......

Dora the Explorer Reported Missing

OVER-THE-MOUNTAIN, Calif. (DPI) - Intrepid preschool adventurer Dora the Explorer was reported missing early this morning. Mrs. The Explorer called police when she realized Dora's backpack was still hanging on the back of her chair at the kitchen table. "She keeps a map in her backpack -- how will she find her way around without her map?" she said. Local police tried to interview Boots, Dora's constant companion, but there is speculation that he is also missing. Authorities wish to interview Swiper the Fox, but caution that he has not been named a suspect. Parties with any information on Dora should go across the river and through the tunnel to the big brick police station. (Reported by Jody LaFerriere)
I'm going out of town for the weekend for my cousin's wedding.
The flu has been kicking my ass.
Maybe it's karma saying " Don't fuck with Dora anymore!"

I never did like being told what to do.

I said it was a secret!

Now, Jenna, my dear, it wouldn't be a secret if I told you, now would it?


I win

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I swear - Boots said it - NOT ME

Voy a comer la panocha de tu madre

Chupame la verga, prostituta

Chupa mis grandes huevos..

Really, I could do this forever, but even I have my limits....
Feel free to check out the rest yourself.

Even I'll admit I'm going over the line.....But if I didn't, who would?

I think this is where they go into the crack house ( oh so cleverly disguised as a animal rescue shelter) and play the Dirty Sanchez game.

Anti-Dora song ( to the tune of "Complicated" by Avrial Lavigne)

Swiper no swiping
Come on Bobados
Swiper no swiping
Chill Boots
What you yelling for?
We've sailed a chocolate pond before
And if you don't shut up now
You'll die...POW!
Well, I guess it's too late
Boots in his grave will be laid
That annoying monkey
Will no longer breathe
Tell me...
Why ya have to go and make
Map so complicated?
Speaking Spanish
At random points in the show
So I just feel jaded
Yeah, my shows like this
Swiper swipes,
Boots jumps
Music plays,
Map sings
Mountains talk,
Dora was jumped
Wait a sec, no she wasn't
Sorry kids bye bye to the explorer
It's Dora's Grand Theft Auto
She comes to Map unnanounced
Dressed up to rob his house
And if the little kiddies could see
This on TV
They'd follow your every commandJ
ust say you're a thief
Grand Theft Auto Dora
Sure seems cool to me
Tell me
Why'd they have to go and make meso over-rated
I'm telling you
That other boy got Dora pregant
Oopsies..who's the Daddy?
Is it Map?
Is it Boots?I
s it Swiper?
Is it Squireel?
Is it Troll?
And the DNA tes
tWell, it seems that Boots was Daddy
Killing spreeBang bangBang bangBang bangBang bangBang bangBang bang
Chill kids, what ya crying for?
Never seen Dora talk trash before
That's cause I'm the witch
And you're my b*tch!
I'm somebody else
Round everyone else
But then late at nightI become a fright
Prepare your young eyes
For homicidal Dora
Yeah yeah!
Why ya gotta go and get an 47.Colt revolver
Are you gonna go blow away some more
Yeah yeah
With a nuke
And a key
And a fuse
And a bomb
And some flaming dog crap
I'm gonna go on a killing spreeBang bang bang...

So, I don't know if it all fits, but it's still some funny shit.......
This is where my husband found it... I bet you thought I wrote it, huh?
I think we all know that I would totally own up to this bitch if it was mine.......

" I'll keep you my dirty little secret..."

I know a secret!!!
It's really not dirty, though....

But, for now, my lips are sealed!!!!!!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

" It's just one of those days where you don't wanna wake up, everything is fucked, everybody sucks........."

See?!??! I am trying to post more.
However, today I'm in a pissy mood and don't want to write about it ( you know, in order not to piss anyone else off).

AND I just found out that kick ass concert we WERE going to go to on the 30th isn't gonna work out cause we'll still be outta town for my cousins wedding.
So, I'm just gonna take some stupid quiz ........................
You Are 60% Normal
Otherwise known as the normal amount of normalYou're like most people most of the timeBut you've got those quirks that make you endearingYou're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!
How Normal Are You?

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Awwwww, Look! Satan has a doll now....How very exciting!

I bet you if you push her tummy she sings " Do Do Do Do Do Dumb-ass! Do Do Do Do Do Dumb-ass..........Has anyone seen that stupid fucking monkey?"

It's gone to shit...

Randy was sitting here with me yesterday and said
" So, does no one comment on on your blog any more?"

No...No, they don't. And really, I can't blame you.
It's really gone to shitsince I started my current job.
Not having 12 hours a night to sit in front of a computer puts a damper on things.

So, since I have lost everyone, I'm gonna put up some eye candy for me :o)

12 more days until River Riot!!!

We're going to a sweet-ass Concert on the 30th!!!!

Calling You ( For my Randy)

"There's something I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away

So expect me to be Calling you to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile[

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreamingI
f you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me
I thought that the world had lost it's sway
It's so hard sometimes
Then I fell in love with you

Then came you
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you

So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave me and send them back to you
I only want to see
If you're okay when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

"They have a cream for that"

My brother is in town from overseas ( YEA!!!!!!!!!). He got in yesterday afternoon.
However, I haven't talked to him yet, cause I've been working.
He called today when I was sleeping and left me this message:
" Uhhhhhh, my balls are itching...Yes, they are...."

It's good to have the sicko back in town.

Monday, July 17, 2006


Today is my Grandpa's 71st birthday.
He seriously rocks.
He's one of the funniest people alive.
He can't sit still for very long - he's quit social.
He goes to church every morning and then meets up with his friends for coffee.
Then he goes biking.
He's got a billion women banging on his door, but he's content living the life of a widow.
There was only one woman for him, and she's been gone for almost 10 years..
He just has " lady friends".

I could have never asked for a better Grandfather.
He's the only grandparent I have left, and I'm thankful for him everyday.
I'm pretty sure that I ended up as kick ass as I am because he's so kick ass.

He's taking me fishing, taught me how to shoot a gun, and took me camping almost every weekend when I was little.
He always bought me watermelon, KFC coleshaw( Which I called "grass" until I was 6), and kissed me one the head when it was bedtime.
He calmed me down when I was 11 and got my one and only tic ( Ewwwwwwww - We were camping). I think I might have had a brain hemmorage if he wouldn't have known what to do.

My Grandpa is my Super Hero.

What else can I say? He's my favorite.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


The last week has been soooooooooo long.
Randy's mom is here from Texas and she brought our 9 year old niece and 8 year old nephew with her.
They're all staying with us.
Not that I mind- I love having a full house and doing the "mom thing", but I'm MoFo exhausted!
Work has been crazy.
In the last 5 days I've been assaulted by one of the BIGGER girls ( 16 blows to the back and the back of the head) and been accused of being a child molester.
The party is never ending.

I still love my job, though.

The other night we went out with some friends when I got off of work and somehow or another I got trashed.
So, at 1:30am I thought it would be a GREAT idea for everyone to come back to my house and hang out in the backyard.
I think we were in the back for all of 3 minutes before I " decorated" the yard and the driveway with everything I drank the previous 3 hours.
When the hell did I get so old?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Do Do Do Do Do Do Dora...is dead... I drowned her in the bathtub..

Simmer down....I saved her stupid ass after 20 minutes......

An oxymoron?

My nighttime pills

Friday, June 30, 2006

"All we need is patience....Yeahhhhhhhhhhh....Just a little patience....Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Damn it.

Well, it turns out we got our applications in too late and they already hired 8 family teaching couples.
We were told that if ANYTHING changes that we'll be first on the list of people they call, otherwise re-apply in the spring.

I'm disappointed.
We really wanted to do this and we're still going to try to in the spring.
But ladies and gents. in case you didn't know - Annie has an issue with patience.
When I want something I want it now.
I've always been that way.
I feel like I've gotten much better over the years, but of course, there's always room for improvement, right?

Now, to be honest, I don't mind staying at my current job. Apparently, I haven't been there long enough to become jaded. I like everyone that I work with ( the kids AND the staff). And I can't even complain about management. Everything's cool.
But poor Randy is so tired of his job....he just keeps truckin' along. He'll stay there until we find out what's going on in the spring. He makes good money, has EXCELLENT health insurance ( both of the girls were pretty much "free" - and that right there is almost a million bucks - No, I'm not kidding, give or take a few thousand here and there), and he can work from home when he needs to, as well having over a month in vacation every year. So, he'll stay put for now.......

Thanks all the nice emails. I love you nice people who live inside of my computer. I hope you all forgive me for not posting as much as I was, but well, I just haven't had the time.
Have a kick ass weekend!!

Thursday, June 22, 2006


My sister ( I leave out the in-law part, b/c...Well, she's my sister...and I love her more than an"in-law"....kinda why I call Randy's mother mom ) and my brother finally closed on their house. It's BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!
Take a look.

It's amazing.
I'm so proud of you guys!!!

Notasoccermom wants to be a soccer mom

I took a little vacation from blogging. I didn't intend to, it just worked out that way. Working 3-11pm and spending all day with kids hasn't left much time for the internet.

But here I am.
Did you miss me?
Awww, I missed you Guys too.
Thanks for all the emails :o)

Now on to the news.
Big changes are in the works for us ( Myself, Randy, and the girls).
We're applying to become family teachers for the organization that I work for.
So, long story short- We'd sell our house, move to the Boys Town campus, live in this MASSIVE house and raise 8 other girls besides our own. I guess I should explain that it's a regular community on the campus. We'd have our own apartment connected to the house we live in with the 8 girls.

It's all very exciting.
Being parents is something that we ROCK at.
Even we got married we talked about doing foster care when we had a big enough house.
So, this is kinda a way to do that. It would be our full time job. And since we're that weird couple that does everything together anyway, it's an added bonus.
The money is ok, but it's not about the money. We'd actually loose all our bills except car payments and credit cards ( which aren't that bad to begin with). Utilities, food and gas are paid for. They even give us a van to drive ( we're still keeping our cars, though).

So, that's what's up with us.
Keep your fingers crossed for us!!!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Still, I've got nothing...

Life has been pretty boring lately.
Lots of running around over the weekend.
I'm still tired.
Hopefully, I'll have my mojo back tomorrow :o)

Friday, June 02, 2006

Nothing exciting....

I've got nothing....
It's Friday and I'm off this weekend.
I plan on seeing X men 3 with the hubby and then getting tanked.
But not too tanked, cause,well, I suck at drinking these days.
3 drinks and I'm done.
Today I'm scrubbing toilets, kitchen floors, doing dishes, and taking the kids to the store to get bubble toys and filling up the kiddy pool.
The littlest things make them happy.
If I get a chance, I might go tan before work and get my eyebrows waxed.
I know, I know- try to contain all the excitement.

Have a good weekend!!!!