Friday, June 07, 2013

Tying up lose ends

When you lose the most important person in your life it's hard to put into words what you're feeling and where to even start. I clearly remember starting this blog when I was pregnant with Faith in 2005. I was 26, married to my best friend, and excited about how life was going. But things never stay the same. I'm almost 35 now, a single Mom to 3 pretty wonderful munchkins. I would have never envisioned this for myself or the kids. To say that the last 4 years where hard would be a gross understatement. It always seemed to be one hit after another and then another. I used to wonder if we had done a better job at damage control when things seriously took a turn for the worse where we would be now. Instead we did what we always did and hashed it out, and then pretended everything was fine. Kinda sweep it under the rug and keep trucking along. Eventually, that rug ran out of room. I won't really go into the details of how it all came to an end. In the long run there's a million different. factors. And it turns out that some of those things you cant recover from. Things became overwhelmingly strange around Christmas 2011. I knew something wrong, but Randy insisted.things where fine. I knew they weren't. I found him crying in the bedroom and before he said the words I knew why. He didn't want to do this anymore. He had felt like that since October.
 In the weeks to come I found out about her. I found an email from Christmas Eve talking about how she didn't expect him to wake up and say "Merry Christmas, I want a divorce " but he should probably handle it soon. Do I solely blame this 26 year old little girl for ruining my marriage? No. Did that little bitch help it along? You bet. He was mesmerized by her. In the long run she was just the straw that broke the camels back. Once I knew about her he didn't try to hide it. He would sit in our bed and have a conversation via text every night when he got home and before I left for work, eventhough he's had just seen her at work. He moved in with her at one point, only to move back 4 days later because they got in a fight about laundry. We lived together until May, and then I knew I just couldn't take anymore. I had to get out. I had started writting in a joural to him everyday. Sometimes 2-3 times a day. I poured my soul into those pages. He would read it every few days, and I prayed so hard that somewhere down the road it would make a difference. One day we where cleaning the bedroom and he picked it up and asked if I wanted it. I
told him it was his and to do what he wanted with it. He threw it away in front of me.
He and the 26 year old broke up. She broke his heart. And I honestly felt bad for him. We would sit in our bed listening to Pandora, and both cry. It was amazing to see this man that I had shared so much of my life with overcome by emotion. Emotion I had never seen before.
I moved, but we seemed to get along overall. I even played Volleyball for his team because the 26 year old and her friend dropped out. Then one Sunday afternoon he called to tell me his friend had invited a girl they had met at the bar to come to the game that night. I was uninvited. For awhile they where "just friends". He told me she was annoying and constantly texting him and there where days he avoided her. Again, it was another 26 year old. It's a year later and now they live together. He's taken over the Father role for her son. No matter how hard I try I could never explain fully what it's like to see the shell of this man that was once your entire world turn into a stranger, and go on to create a family you have no part of. They're currently vacationing in Texas with his family.
The divorce has been final since October 9th. Things get easier everyday. Firsts are always hard. Like Christmas. It had been almost a year since he had told me he wanted the divorce, and we had both moved on. But as I sat here alone in my apartment that night I sobbed. My heart was still broken. My family was distroyed. My children where celebrating with him and the new girlfriend. And there I was. Alone. Just me and a bottle of Vodka. I cried myself to sleep.
Mothers Day was another hard one We still lived together last year, and it was a nice day. This year the kids got me a card and he scribbed in it " Thanks for giving me 3 amazing kids." I don't know exactly what I was looking for. Maybe a little recognition to the fact I've busted my ass this last year and did it all on my own. There's no one helping me pay the bills, do the dishes and laundry. He's had someone there all along. But anymore, I know better than to expect anything from him. All I can do is focus on the kids. They left for Texas this week, which was another 1st. He took the gf and her son. I love his family. Honestly. And to think I'm no longer a part of that is devestating. Families are like instant coffee. Switch out the Mom, add another kid and there ya go. However, I think that most of the firsts are over. They're few and far between. Eventually, they'll get engaged. Maybe she'll get pregnant. I don't know. And I'll cope with it. I don't even know this monster. This pod person that took over my husband's body and has done every single thing that he always swore he'd never do. Or he finally just went crazy. I'm sure I pushed him into it. Let's be clear here. I'm 50% to blame for my marriage failing .I worked overnights the majority of my marriage. I didn't want the kids in daycare. It was hard on us, and I knew it.. I thought I'd only need to do it until Toby started school.
Now, it's just very civil. I didn't ask for anything in our divorce. I took the entertainment center and a bed.

 I mean, how horrible of a person do you have to be for the person you loved more than anything in this world ( besides your children) want NOTHING to do with you? I'll live with that guilt every day for the rest of my life. There's this person out there that was my best friend since I was 21. He's the father of my children. He knew me better than anyone (or so I thought). And now we're nothing but strangers that exchange a few words here and there. I've lost a child. I've lost every single thing that I owned in a fire. But somedays I still can't wrap my head around losing him.
He makes it easy sometimes. Every now and then I'll find out something that he's done and it's so fucking shady, it makes me wonder if I ever knew him at all. Friends picked sides, which is something I never asked anyone to do. They know one side of the story and it's tainted. But it is what it is. I can just do the best that I can for the kids. And honestly, my heart breaks every single day because I have no idea what it's like for them. My girls have a hard time still. It seems to get better as we go along. I held Grace and cried wth her when she told me the gf was moving in. It finally sank in that Mom and Dad where not getting back together. It hurts when she tells me she can't talk to her Dad about it. And to be fair, I know he sat them down and talked to them about it before it happened. And I'm not going to be the ex wife that bashes her ex husband in front of her kids. He's still their father. All that I'll say is that we want Daddy to be happy, and gf makes him happy. I honestly have no problem with her. She crossed a few boundaries in the beginning, but now things are fine. None of this had anything to do with her. She knows nothing of what happened except what he's told her. She'll never know the struggles we went through for all those years or that things wheren't always bad.
Honestly, I would have never been the one to pull the trigger. Hell, until a week before he told me he wanted a divorce I had no idea anything was wrong. You get busy living everyday life, and tend to not pay attention to what is going on around you. Add on that I worked overnights, never slept, and was lost in a depression that had lingered for years because we had never properly handled situations that arose earlier. I was lost, but it had happened before, so I just wrote it off. We'd get through it. We always did. Well, not this time.
I got an email yesterday from someone who used to read this and was curious as to what was going on these days...could they get an update. I didn't know where to start. I pulled up some entries from 2005 when Faith was born. I wish I could vacation there. Back when we where young and so in love. Still in the process of growing up together and building our family. It was us against the world.
Now, I think about him sitting on his Mom's back porch in her rocking chairs after the kids go to bed,watching the cows and deer, and having those meaningful conversations that we always did there. Her back porch was my heaven on earth when we sat there together. Now it's gone. It's his to share with someone else. There really aren't any words for that. That was a lifetime ago.
I try to remember the good times. A few months before everything blew up he had surprised me with tickets to see my favorite play. He had arranged for my best friend to babysit, and gave me a card the night before explaining what he did. It sounds little, but it truely was the most romantic thing he had ever done. I'll always remember that.
And Life goes on.
I've moved on. I'm dating someone that I've know since the 3rd grade. Describe how amazing he is. Everyday he tells me how much he loves me, and how lucky he is to have me. We have manditory cuddle time every night we're together after our days " debreifing". I refuse to work overnights anymore. I won't give up one night sleeping next to him if it can be avoided. He's good to the kids, and they love him, just as I love his kids. We're like the Brady Bunch 2.0 with my 3 and his 3. More importantly, he makes me happy. It a happiness that was compleatly unexpected. That, my friends, is the best kind. For the first time since my world fell apart I look forward to whats to come. In that respect I'm in a super yummy place. And I'm beyond thanful. I refuse to take this relationship for granted and I make sure I tell him all the time what he means to me. He knows everything. There's no secrets or lies. I made it a point that he knows my passwords to everything. Just this morning I woke up at 2:30am and went to get a drink in the kitchen and saw his phone sitting there. I paused for a moment and thought about going through it. But I didn't. There's no reason. I shut off the light and crawled back into bed.  He wrapped his arms around me. I laid there and listened to his heartbeat and said a little prayer of thankfulness. It's good shit :) For the first time in years I have passion in my life. I won't squander it.
And that's my story. It's my side of things. I have a feeling I'll always be taken back by the little things. When my son tells me that all he wants for his birthday is for me to move into Daddy's I still get a lump in my throat because he'll never know how things once where. Having 2 addresses will become the norm for him since he's only 4. He'll forget in time that we ever even lived together. It's harder for the girls, who remember having a 2 parent home until they where 8 and 6. Kids always want their parents together and I get that. . Maybe someday they'll read this and see it wasn't all shit. Things where good between us once.
I catch myself wondering sometimes what he's thinking. IF he ever thinks of me. If he remembers the good times. But that's just a mind fuck and I try not to go there. It's not a happy place, and nothing good will ever come out of it. It's about bucking the fuck up now and faking it until you make it. Eventually you find you aren't faking it quite as much. I'm at peace with knowing I've apoligized for all my wrong doings and I fought as hard as I could to save my marriage. But in the end it wasn't enough.
I'll never hate Randy. I couldn't. He's the father of my babies. I got the best parts of him. I want him happy. Even if it turns out that's a happiness he could never achieve with me. I wish our commuincation was better, but it is what it is. There will always be a sence of sadness when I think about my 1st marriage. The embarrasment of it all gong to shit. The heartbreak. However, it will serve as a constant reminder of what not to do. The lessons just keep rolling in and you have no choice but to go along with them. I would be lying if I said part of me won't always be in love with him. But it will always be the old him that I miss. I don't know him now. I miss my Randy. The best friend that I had in him. I feel like part of my soul is missing. Most days it's easy and it just gets easier as the time goes on. Then there are those days when something little will just send me spinning and I feel like it's December 28, 2011 all over again. Those days are horrible. Thankfully, they are few and far between now.
I've made it this far. My friends and family are amazing, and without their support I wouldn't be here today.
So, that's it. That's the update. In closing I just want to say everyones marriage is their own. No one really knows what goes on in someone elses marriage EXCEPT those 2 people. Respect that. You'll never know the whole story. Fight for what you believe in, for the people you love. You never know when it will come to an end. Tell the people you love what they mean EVERYDAY. Don't take little things for granted. Appricate what you have because it can all go away. Find joy in lifes everyday things. I do that now. A little too late in some regards? Yes. But it's not a mistake you're likely to make again when you're entire world gets distroyed. That was a differnet life and time. I was a different person then.
I'm on to my next book.
This one is closed.
All my love,
Annie