Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sometimes, well, lately, all the time, I feel like my life is nothing but utter chaos. It seems like I'm in a constant state of putting out fires. And, yo..My ass is tired. I can never catch a break. I feel like I'm drownding all the time. And I feel lost. There is no one I know that can relate to what I'm going through. My bestie has never been married, and doesn't have kids, and I'm tired of burdening her with it. She has her own shit going on. And God bless my manfriend, cause eventhough he's been married, he still has no idea. His ex is not in the picture, and the only involvment she has is a weekly phone call at best. She's been gone for 6 years, and their marriage wasn't a happy one. Ever. His kids are used to her not being there. No one gets it. 2 weeks ago, the X's gf and I had a civil convo on the phone that morning, so when they dropped the kids off a few hours later she handed me a parenting book. Now, I know it came with the best of intentions, but yeah, it irritated me. I know she loves my kids, I never questioned that. However, I don't think she'll ever get where I'm coming from. It honestly has nothing to do with the fact that she's 27. It has to do with the fact that she will NEVER understand what it's like send your 3 kids away 50% of the time, know that they have a seprate life from you that you know nothing about. OR know what it's like to watch someone who was the center of your universe for years raising someone else's son 100% of the time, while you're own children get him part time. It's fucking rough. There's a lot of history that she will never understand, because she's never experienced it. My daughter had a major meltdown tonight. Probably the worst I've ever seen. Kitchen chairs where knocked over, tables where pushed, and there was lots and lots of screaming at me. I hate her and I'm out to ruin her life. And she's 10. At dinner she told me she hated living with the gf's son, and wished they would move out (BTW, I called total bullshit on that).Then within 20 minutes she wanted to live with her Dad full time. I can't win for losing. I talked to her Dad about it, and he's supposed to bring it during her counseling session Thursday. Things didn't get much better after that. She packed her bags, and sat in her room for about 30 minutes, then came out and asked if she could call her Father. And I never say no when they ask, so she did. He was at a concert, and she didn't talk to him, but she talked to the gf, and then cried for 45 minutes. I talked to her as well. We where discussing parenting, and she mentioned that my X has said that if her son's Father ever wanted to be involved in his life that he would have to meet him 1st. Awesome. Maybe I'm just pissed because I really really needed some backup tonight. As I write this I'm in my living room, where I plan on sleeping tonight because my daughter finally fell asleep on the floor, and I don't want her to wake up and sneak out like she's said she's going to. It's one thing when an adult breaks your heart, but it's a total other when it's your kid. What a fucking mess. I'm tired of being the target. She told me last night that she's nice to everyone, but me. I wouldn't doubt that at all. I'm so stressed out that I can't eat without throwing up. My stomach is all sorts of screwed up. I really only sleep well when I'm with my manfriend. He says I talk in my sleep now. And what sleep I do get is filled with nightmares. And now my hair is falling out in clumps - WTF is that about?! Oh, and the crying...there's always crying. It's ridiculous. If I could take this hit for the team I would. If I could make everyone else happy, I'd be ok with being the sad one. I want my babies happy more than anything in this world. I want their Father happy. I don't know about him, but my babies are not. And I'm lost as to what to do. It's a horrible horrble feeling.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Great Divide

Nothing about divorce is fun. Like, at all. One of the worst aspects has been the picking of the sides. When it came down to friends whoever stayed stayed. I never wanted anyone to pick sides. When it came down to family....ugh...where do you start? I always felt close to the X's Mom. She's a wonderful lady. At times I felt she was more understanding than my own parents. The last REAL convo I had with her was in December of 2011, when shit hit the fan. She told me I would always be her daughter, and she would always love me. I never reached out to her after that because I didn't think it was appropriate. She's his Mom, and of course, and I didn't feel right putting her in the middle.

Monday was her birthday, and I texted her in the morning, telling her I loved her and that I would have the kids call her after dinner. She didn't respond, but I didn't expect her to. My son fell asleep around 6, but the girls called and left a vm. After an hour I tried again, and then tried her home phone, and they where able to talk to her. My 8 yr old handed me the phone when she was done, and I talked to her for about 2 minutes. I felt the conversation was kinda frosty. And that my friends, sucks ass. NEVER ONCE have I talked poorly about her son to her, and I wouldn't. He may be grown, but that's still her kid.

And really, that's neither here nor there. It doesn't matter now. All I'm saying is that there are 2 sides, and you're never gonna know the whole truth, bc he and I both have our own versions. I just miss her. She was my mom for 11 years, too.

It's sad to see pictures of my niece and nephews online. Kids you've watch grow since they where in diapers and they're now in high school. Or the 2 youngest who have known me as their Aunt all along. Where is the line drawn? Am I just supposed to act like they're random kids now? I don't know. Or my nieces and nephews who sometimes ask about their Uncle...He's been around their whole lives. I wish I had the answers. Before mine, I knew nothing of divorce, really. My younger brother divorced his wife, but we're still close. You don't give me a sister and then take her away 10 years later. She will always be my sister, as well as the X's sister, and now my brother's future wife. I just love them all. Once you're in my circle it's hard to get out. I wish there was a rule book for this shit.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

 I'm just a woman who's life took a turn that she didn't see coming. It happens to everyone, right? 3 years ago I would have never imagined that I would be where I am now. But now it seems like things are getting better, more clear. As a little girl all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mother. It almost seems like since I failed at the first of those, I've become an even better mother. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm overcompensating. Kinda like, " Well you fucked up the first one, you better be awesome at the second one." So, I do my best. My kids are my absolute world. EVERYTHING I do, I do for them. They are the very reason I breathe. Every single day I tell them I love them more than anything. And I'm so blessed. They amaze me every single day. At times I almost don't feel worthy.
 My oldest started the 5th grade today, and my baby girl started 2nd grade. They looked so grown up this morning, and sooooo excited. It made my heart happy. I knew that I did the right thing by not moving so they could stay in the same school. I felt they needed some sort of normality though all the other changes. Kids are resilient, but they are breakable.
My oldest daughter is now seeing a councilor. Last night her and I had a session, and it was pretty awesome. I'm sorry I didn't have her do this sooner. The councilor and I met alone for about 20 minutes, and I was shocked that she seemed to have situation figured out without me saying anything.  Next week her session is with her father, and I hope he finds it as insightful as I did. I just want those kids happy. I pray for that every single day. Just as I pray that their father finds the happiness that he never found with me. Happy parents = happy munchkins.

Not a poster child.

First of all, thank you for all the kind emails. I read them all, and honestly, I was touched. So, at the advice of all the super awesome people that live in my computer, as well as my BFF, I've decided to keep writing. This is life after divorce. Maybe people will relate. This however, will not be a place where I bash the ex, his girlfriend, OR, as it was suggested, publish a open letter to the "Home wrecker". What would be the point? Throughout this whole process I have done my very best to take the high road, keep things as civil as possible. I AM NOT a poster child for divorce. Hell, I don't even believe in it. But it is what it is. I've become a member of a club that I never wanted to be in, but I'm here now. And it's not always so horrible. So, these are my new adventures. I hope you enjoy :)