Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sometimes, well, lately, all the time, I feel like my life is nothing but utter chaos. It seems like I'm in a constant state of putting out fires. And, yo..My ass is tired. I can never catch a break. I feel like I'm drownding all the time. And I feel lost. There is no one I know that can relate to what I'm going through. My bestie has never been married, and doesn't have kids, and I'm tired of burdening her with it. She has her own shit going on. And God bless my manfriend, cause eventhough he's been married, he still has no idea. His ex is not in the picture, and the only involvment she has is a weekly phone call at best. She's been gone for 6 years, and their marriage wasn't a happy one. Ever. His kids are used to her not being there. No one gets it. 2 weeks ago, the X's gf and I had a civil convo on the phone that morning, so when they dropped the kids off a few hours later she handed me a parenting book. Now, I know it came with the best of intentions, but yeah, it irritated me. I know she loves my kids, I never questioned that. However, I don't think she'll ever get where I'm coming from. It honestly has nothing to do with the fact that she's 27. It has to do with the fact that she will NEVER understand what it's like send your 3 kids away 50% of the time, know that they have a seprate life from you that you know nothing about. OR know what it's like to watch someone who was the center of your universe for years raising someone else's son 100% of the time, while you're own children get him part time. It's fucking rough. There's a lot of history that she will never understand, because she's never experienced it. My daughter had a major meltdown tonight. Probably the worst I've ever seen. Kitchen chairs where knocked over, tables where pushed, and there was lots and lots of screaming at me. I hate her and I'm out to ruin her life. And she's 10. At dinner she told me she hated living with the gf's son, and wished they would move out (BTW, I called total bullshit on that).Then within 20 minutes she wanted to live with her Dad full time. I can't win for losing. I talked to her Dad about it, and he's supposed to bring it during her counseling session Thursday. Things didn't get much better after that. She packed her bags, and sat in her room for about 30 minutes, then came out and asked if she could call her Father. And I never say no when they ask, so she did. He was at a concert, and she didn't talk to him, but she talked to the gf, and then cried for 45 minutes. I talked to her as well. We where discussing parenting, and she mentioned that my X has said that if her son's Father ever wanted to be involved in his life that he would have to meet him 1st. Awesome. Maybe I'm just pissed because I really really needed some backup tonight. As I write this I'm in my living room, where I plan on sleeping tonight because my daughter finally fell asleep on the floor, and I don't want her to wake up and sneak out like she's said she's going to. It's one thing when an adult breaks your heart, but it's a total other when it's your kid. What a fucking mess. I'm tired of being the target. She told me last night that she's nice to everyone, but me. I wouldn't doubt that at all. I'm so stressed out that I can't eat without throwing up. My stomach is all sorts of screwed up. I really only sleep well when I'm with my manfriend. He says I talk in my sleep now. And what sleep I do get is filled with nightmares. And now my hair is falling out in clumps - WTF is that about?! Oh, and the crying...there's always crying. It's ridiculous. If I could take this hit for the team I would. If I could make everyone else happy, I'd be ok with being the sad one. I want my babies happy more than anything in this world. I want their Father happy. I don't know about him, but my babies are not. And I'm lost as to what to do. It's a horrible horrble feeling.

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